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Remember your baby驶s first weeks, when their vision was limited to the distance of your face as you gazed down in wonder? Most children come into the world with the instinct to forge social bonds, starting with their parents and family. As they grow, that desire to connect extends in an ever-widening circle as their lives expand. Your job is to nurture these natural instincts and channel them in productive directions, teaching your child the concepts, actions, and words that will help them form the strong connections they naturally seek.

Why are social skills important?

From your own experience, you’ve probably observed that humans aren驶t naturally solitary creatures. From family and community to those we study, work, and socialize with, we surround ourselves with other people and benefit from a network of support throughout our lives.

Research supports the importance of social skills. One of 753 kindergartners from four different U.S. locales (Seattle; Nashville; Durham, North Carolina; and central Pennsylvania) found that young children who show higher social skills (such as cooperation, sharing, helping others, listening to others, resolving problems with peers) were more likely to attain higher levels of education and well-paying jobs whereas children who showed lower social skills were more likely to drop out of school and struggle with substance abuse. The long-term also found that the people who stayed the healthiest and lived the longest had the strongest and warmest connections to others.

When you envision a happy future for your child, you want them to have the gift of love, support, and encouragement that come from the friends and loved ones in their lives to carry them forward. We all need social skills to build and maintain these important relationships.

Defining social skills

Think of social skills as the tools we need to communicate, interact, and build positive relationships with other people. Social skills also help adults and children adapt to a wide range of environments and navigate sometimes complex situations with as much ease as possible.

What are social skills?

Parents teach their children manners so they can follow common social rules. But being polite and respectful goes much further, covering a host of behaviors that make social interactions pleasant and smooth for all involved. These social skills, integrated into day-to-day life, will help your child get along with others and be a welcome addition to classes, social gatherings. workplaces, and other group settings throughout their life.

Social skills definition

The defines social skills as a set of learned abilities that help us behave and interact positively and competently when we encounter other people.

The meaning of social skills

鈥淪ocial skills are about being able to flexibly adjust our behavior to fit a particular situation and our personal needs and desires,驶 says , a Princeton, NJ-based psychologist and author of more than a dozen books for parents and kids, including . For kids, Kennedy-Moore has a whole series of books and podcasts including and the podcast .

鈥淚 think of [social skills] as the abilities necessary to get along with others and to create and maintain satisfying relationships,鈥� Kennedy-Moore says.

Real-life social skills examples

When your child enters a room and walks over to another person to say hello, that very first gesture demonstrates interest in the other person. It鈥檚 the first in a chain of social skills that either initiates or continues that relationship. The list of social skills used by teachers and child development experts is a long one, encompassing a host of behaviors, both general and specific, including the following.

Key social skills for kids

• Greeting others with a smile.
• Being polite and respectful.
• Making eye contact.
• Listening and asking questions.
• Showing interest and curiosity.
• Empathizing with others驶 feelings and experiences.
• Sharing and taking turns.
• Following directions and rules.
• Playing and working cooperatively.
• Expressing their own feelings and needs clearly and appropriately.
• Giving and receiving compliments.
• Respecting others鈥� personal space and boundaries.
• Negotiating and compromising.
• Asking for help if needed.
• Handling and resolving conflicts.
• Recognizing and regulating emotions.
• Apologizing and forgiving.
• Showing loyalty to friends and family.

Nurturing social skills

Raise your hand if you’ve never felt awkward in a social situation. Anyone? Unlikely. It’s not always easy to enter a new social setting, to integrate yourself into a conversation or situation, or to get along with others who may or may not have good social skills themselves. Luckily, nurturing social skills starts when children are young and can be practiced at home and at school, where you can provide a protected, comfortable environment, where teachers help you introduce social rules and expectations, and where your child can interact with other children who are learning social skills, too.

When teaching your child social skills, praise is your friend. Children respond better to positive reinforcement than negative feedback, so tell your child whenever you notice they’re being kind, friendly, empathetic, helpful, or respectful to others.

As time goes on, you can encourage your child to participate in groups, classes, and teams where they’ll meet other kids who share their interests and have the chance to put the lessons they learn from you, teachers, and other adults into practice with their peers.

Ways to increase communication and social skills

Think about the words you驶d like to hear used to describe your child — words like kind, nice, friendly, and likeable might come to mind. While vague, these qualities convey the ability to get along with people in different situations and environments and the kindness and adaptability that lay the foundation for strong relationships, happiness, and success.

You can introduce social skills to young children by reading books that depict characters navigating tricky social situations and learning from their choices. During playdates, kids get opportunities to learn how to share, cooperate, and resolve disputes. As kids get older, they also start to build more advanced communication skills, discover new likes and dislikes, and learn the give and take of getting along. At the same time, visiting the homes of other kids exposes your child to other cultures, family dynamics, household rules, and interests, broadening their experience and helping them feel more comfortable in diverse social settings.

Playing 鈥減retend鈥� games and acting out scenarios with stuffies, dolls, toys, and action figures fosters imagination and creativity while also helping your child act out social dilemmas and reactions. When kids like each other and get along, that positive feedback helps them express themselves more freely and builds up a reserve of confidence that they can transfer to situations where they don驶t know anyone and need to make new friends.

For kids who are shy or slow to warm up, social activities tend to go better when they’re in an environment where they’re at ease. When planning playdates, start by having them at your house, where your child feels most comfortable. As your child develops interest in sports and other activities, look for groups, clubs, and classes where they already know other kids or can sign up with a friend, which can help minimize anxiety. If your child is reluctant to try something new, suggest inviting a friend they鈥檙e already comfortable with to join in. As with any social skill, parents can help shy kids rehearse ahead of time for a situation that makes them nervous, like going to a birthday party or meeting a new group of people.

Social skills and behavior

As you think about ways to teach your child the value of friendship, you might ask yourself a slightly uncomfortable question: When was the last time you met a friend for coffee or invited another family over to dinner? It鈥檚 easy to let your social life slide during the busy parenting years, but 鈥淲hen you make time for your friends, you鈥檙e modeling for your kids that friends are important,鈥� Kennedy-Moore says. Social gatherings, like barbecues or family game nights, are not only fun, she adds, they鈥檙e a great teaching lab, since your child also gets to socialize with other kids while learning at least as much from your actions as from your suggestions and words of advice.

You also might want to take a look at your own behavior. Ask yourself, 鈥榃hat am I modeling?鈥� Kids learn so much by observing, and especially by observing what parents are doing. Are you grumbling at other drivers, shouting at players during soccer games, or fighting with your in-laws? Little people have big ears, and your child is learning from all these interactions that it’s okay and normal to speak to and about others like that. In fact, Kennedy-Moore says modeling is among the most effective ways that parents can teach social skills. That said, everyone gets grumpy or loses their temper from time to time. When it happens, you can model another important social skill: how to apologize and make it right.

The ability to solve problems is a key social skill that sets your child up for success in social interactions, allowing them to think through and improve uncomfortable situations. Another is self-control, which kids need in order to follow rules, avoid misdirected impulses, and cope with stress, temptation, and conflict. And empathy is essential for understanding what other kids are feeling and experiencing and putting themselves in others驶 shoes.

鈥淚 think kids are born with an enormous well of empathy, and I don’t think they lose it,鈥� Duffy says. However, he says, kids face social pressures — and they have to deal with social media — and so they can forget to use their empathy. Maybe they want to get ahead in a certain way or they want to feel they鈥檙e one up on somebody else or create the illusion that they鈥檙e better somehow, Duffy says. This happens. And when it does, he says, 鈥淲hat I encourage parents to do is to pay attention to how they themselves show empathy.鈥� Remind children of your family鈥檚 values, talk about them, and remember to model those values.

Learning social skills is a lifelong process. You驶ve been shepherding your child through their social skills acquisition from day one. In the beginning, teaching social skills may involve setting rules and boundaries, but as your child grows, you驶ll take on the role of guide and cheerleader, letting them find their own solutions and praising them when they do. When things don驶t go well, you can help your child learn from the experience and come up with ways to do things differently. When things do go well, remember positive reinforcement through praise is highly effective for kids of all ages. Finally, when they驶ve hurt or angered someone, stress the importance of apologizing and making things right. With these tools, your child will be well-equipped to be a good friend, supportive family member, and valued student, employee, and member of the community.

Read more about social skills in preschool, elementary school, middle school, and high school.