You hear it all day long: 鈥淚t驶s my truck, give it to me!鈥� 鈥淚 don驶t want to play with Legos anymore!鈥� And not just at home, but at school, where wails of 鈥淜elsey won驶t play with me!鈥� and 鈥淛axson is NOT being nice!鈥� punctuate the air on the playground. It’s not exactly the sharing, caring, listening, and empathy you’re hoping to see and hear. But this is what developing social skills in preschoolers is all about.
These moments occur so often in the preschool years because this is a time when children are learning to navigate social relationships beyond those with their immediate family. As they鈥檙e exposed to new friends and a growing number of group situations, such as group play in parks and social gatherings, early childhood activity groups, and preschool, they are discovering preferences, learning to form bonds, and exploring the ins and outs of getting along with others.
鈥淰ery young children are capable of lovely friendships,鈥� says Eileen Kennedy-Moore, psychologist and author of . 鈥淭hey definitely have preferences and will like one child more than another child. But their friendships are mainly based on which kids are nearby and available to them and also like to do the same things they do.鈥�
Understanding social skills in preschool
Developing social skills in preschoolers really means giving them the confidence and habits to form friendships, feel comfortable in group situations, and be liked by teachers and other adults.
When you read about developing social skills, you驶ll hear a lot about empathy. Empathy is the foundation for so many social skills. However, preschool-age kids don驶t yet have the cognitive skills to truly grasp the concept of empathy. These skills won驶t blossom until they’re 8 or 9 years old. Still, you can introduce the concept of empathy by talking about how others feel — be it characters in books, friends they鈥檙e playing with, and sharing how you feel.
Fairness and sharing
As you may have noticed, 3- to 5-year-olds care a great deal about fairness, as demonstrated by the wails of 鈥淚t驶s not fair!鈥� that you hear at bedtime, when it驶s time to leave the park, or when an older sibling gets to do something they don驶t.
Sharing is a difficult concept for young children to get behind, and preschool children have a particularly difficult time as they are more focused on their own needs and desires than those of others. Even though it鈥檚 hard to share, doing so is critical to a child鈥檚 social skill development, as it helps them keep and advance friendships. It鈥檚 also a great way to bond and show appreciation. It also starts developing empathy.
Recognizing feelings
Underlying this sense of fairness is the desire to be treated well. An outgrowth of that is that preschoolers want others, from friends to characters in movies and books, to be treated well, too. You can nurture this microcosm of empathy by acknowledging any behavior that shows your preschooler is recognizing the feelings of another child, such as when a friend or even stranger is hurt, sad, or lonely.
For example, you might point out that your child made a crying toddler feel better when they picked up a dropped blanket or pacifier. Be sure to compliment acts of kindness or empathy. You might say, 鈥淭hat was nice of you to go over and invite that girl to join your game, she looked lonely.鈥� Noticing and calling out the other child驶s emotional situation and your preschooler驶s positive behavior shows them that you recognize and appreciate their responsiveness.
Kindness and caring
Don驶t hesitate to point out times that your preschooler is less than kind, as well, like when you see they chose not to share a box of crackers with a friend. You can also ask questions so your child is the one to articulate the emotion: 鈥淗ow do you think it made your little brother feel when you took away that stuffed animal?鈥� You can do the same when you’re the recipient by labeling your own emotions: 鈥淚t made me feel bad when you screamed at me in the grocery store.鈥� In a case like this, you can also go on to role play how your child might act differently in the future. 鈥淚s there another way you could tell me that you’re mad?鈥�
Helping your preschooler develop social skills
Preschoolers and kindergarteners are notoriously egocentric, which is both natural and developmentally appropriate. The self-centered orientation makes important preschool social skills — sharing, empathizing, and taking the wants and needs of others into account — challenging.
As your child moves from parallel play to playing interactively with other children, they need to learn basic social skills like taking turns, listening, and compromising. Although these are challenging skills at this age, they will be easier as your child grows up and practices — especially if you introduce and reinforce them early on.
Managing tantrums and conflicts
Because young children can only see things one way — their way — many situations are ripe for disappointment, frustration, and, yes, tantrums.
鈥淲e’ve all been there, carrying a wailing child out of the park,鈥� Kennedy-Moore says.
We can驶t expect perfect behavior or compliance, but we can take steps to minimize the meltdowns.
Setting expectations
One of the most effective strategies is to set your child鈥檚 expectations and give a schedule of warnings. You can help set your child鈥檚 expectations by talking about events before they occur and giving them notice when it鈥檚 time to leave. Consistency helps, so consider instituting a system, like always giving three warnings at the same intervals. For example, 鈥淲hen it驶s time to go home, I’m going to give you a 10 minute warning, and a 5 minute warning, and then it will be time to go, no wiggle room.鈥�
Since children this age have little sense of clock-based time, it helps to add an example, such as saying your child can take two more trips down the slide or watch one more scene of a movie. If you often get a protest like 鈥淚t驶s not 5 minutes yet!鈥� you might want to set a timer so there驶s an indisputable authority.
Providing choices
Other conflict-prone situations are handled best by providing choices, like laying out two sets of clothes or offering three different snack options and letting your child choose. Experts in child discipline sometimes describe this as giving your child 鈥減erceived control.鈥� It驶s a great way to let your child know you respect their autonomy while getting everyone out the door on time. As your child gets older, this solution can work to prevent playdate conflicts as well. A 5-year-old might be able to suggest two or three different activities at the start of a playdate and let their friend choose.
Why social skills matter in preschool
As children enter preschool, a major focus is developing the ability to work and play cooperatively with others, which includes the art of compromise. It鈥檚 not easy for young children, who don驶t yet have the empathy to understand others驶s points of view.
For most kids, the ability to work with other children on a common goal, such as building a block tower or putting together a puzzle, begins between ages 3 and 4. It may start slowly. Your child might participate in a cooperative activity for a few minutes, then lose interest or get frustrated and walk away. For children, cooperation may involve anything from building a toy tower together to playing a game that requires everyone to participate.
When children cooperate, some naturally take charge as instigators or leaders, while other children feel more comfortable following instructions. Don驶t worry which role your child takes, they驶re learning how to work collaboratively in any capacity. Children often instigate when it’s their idea and follow when it’s not, so you may find your child in command next time when the game is their idea.
Sometimes, of course, things don驶t go so well, and someone knocks down the block tower. If you observe something like this happening, take the chance to talk with your child about what happened, and how they might do it differently next time. Explain to your child that a big part of cooperating is being a good sport when something doesn鈥檛 go the way they want it to. The same goes for teaching your child to be a good loser.
Take every opportunity to help your child understand that it驶s important to cheer for other kids the way they would want others to cheer for them. It will take time, and may not happen until the elementary school years, but gradually you can help your child appreciate that celebrating another child驶s success doesn鈥檛 cut into their own.
How to develop social skills in preschoolers
How are your child驶s listening skills? Probably not great at 3 and 4, and maybe still not as good as you驶d like at 5. That鈥檚 pretty common. You can encourage your child驶s listening by trying to speak simply and directly and saying just one thing at a time.
Focusing attention
If you驶re not sure they驶re paying attention, focus their attention by saying 鈥淚驶m just checking, did you hear me ask you to鈥�?鈥� This let驶s your child know it matters whether they heard you or not and coaches them to listen and retain information.
Listening skills
Active listening involves responding to questions and requests with either an answer or action. Let your child know you expect a response when you ask something. For example, 鈥淲here are your shoes?鈥� deserves an answer, and 鈥淧lease put away your toys鈥� should trigger a trip to the toy box. Notice whether your child is paying attention to gestures and tone, and encourage this by asking your child to interpret the intention behind your words. (鈥淒oes Mommy seem frustrated? That驶s because I驶ve asked you to hang up your jacket three times.鈥�)
Manage interruptions
Waiting is one of the hardest things for little ones to learn to do. But learning to be patient and wait a moment is vital to your little one’s social success — especially with the other adults in their life. Like most skills, kids will learn this one best through playing. Try these games that teach kids how to wait. And use these strategies to teach your child to wait a moment when you’re talking instead of interrupting.
Reward the good
You may not always be able to tell, but your child wants to make you happy. Make a point of noticing when your child responds to a question or request and express your pleasure. Something as simple as 鈥淭hank you for listening,鈥� makes a big difference.
It may feel forced at first, but make it a habit and it will feel more and more natural. Kids store away approval, so when they hear 鈥淚驶m so happy you picked up your blocks,鈥� they’ll remember it next time and be motivated to do it again.
Modeling listening for your child
Now on to the big one — showing your child how to listen by doing it yourself. Let驶s face it, we all sometimes interrupt, space out during a story, or 鈥渓isten with one ear,鈥� giving something only half our attention. But if you’re guilty as charged, work on being more present, and acknowledge it when you’re not.
If your child is telling you a story in the car and you’re distracted by traffic, you might say, 鈥淚 really want to hear all about this, but I have to pay attention to my driving right now, so can you tell me when we get home?鈥�
Likewise, apologize if you miss something your child says and ask them to repeat it. This lets your child know you care about what they驶re saying and it驶s worth your undivided attention.
Practical ways to develop social skills in preschoolers
Sharing is important, but that doesn’t mean it驶s easy. Sharing is especially tough for preschool children, whose natural egotism keeps them focused primarily on their own wants and needs. At this age, the feeling that something belongs to them is very strong, easily outweighing their desire to please others. Their wants are still very direct, so when they see a toy they want, their natural instinct is to take it, not look around to see whose it is. Not only that, but children this age don驶t have much sense of time, or of past, present, and future, so telling your child they can play with something later when another child is done with it doesn驶t go far (at first).
Coach your child through taking turns
That doesn鈥檛 mean you should accept your child驶s grabby behavior, though. You驶ll just have to coach your child on how to share step by step. Young children can learn to take turns, but you may need to be the timekeeper (and sometimes the referee). Start with a warning, 鈥淵ou can play with this for 2 minutes, then I’m going to tell you time驶s up and you need to give it to Jerome.鈥�
When it’s okay to not share
While sharing is your goal, this doesn’t mean sharing everything. It驶s actually good for kids to have things that are theirs alone and to feel entitled to protect that. Make the toys your child holds most dear off-limits to others. It lets your child know they’re allowed to have boundaries and to expect others to respect them. But you also want to avoid conflict, so have your child tuck beloved stuffies, dolls, trucks, and anything else they’re especially bonded with away during playdates.
Brand new toys are an area of particular sensitivity — it’s perfectly okay for kids not to want to share something they just got last week for their birthday. Knowing that some things are reserved from playdates often makes kids more receptive to sharing their other toys, since they’ve been allowed to make this distinction.
Name it to tame it
You may have noticed times when your child is overwhelmed by their feelings. The dreaded tantrum comes to mind, for instance. Often these outbursts start with something relatively simple, such as reluctance to get in the grocery cart, then spiral into a ball of emotions so big that the child can驶t even identify what they驶re feeling.
You can help your child learn to manage moments like this by teaching a calming skill. Kennedy-Moore calls 鈥渘ame it to tame it,鈥� in which you describe what your child is feeling — even if it驶s just a guess. 鈥淵ou’re frustrated because you want to walk, not ride,鈥� you might say about the ever-volatile grocery cart situation, or 鈥淵ou’re angry because your sister scribbled on your drawing.鈥� By giving your child words for what they驶re feeling, 鈥淚t驶s like you驶re sharing the weight of those big feelings,鈥� she says. 鈥淲e all feel better when someone understands.鈥�
Check out these Books that explore feelings for preschoolers.
Building early social awareness
When it comes to playdates, don驶t expect too much from 3- and 4-year-olds, who will mostly be playing alongside each other rather than organizing collective play. There驶s also a lot of imitation at this age — you’ll see your child watching other children to see what they do with a toy or copying another child as they paint or draw together.
If your child isn驶t in school yet or isn驶t ready to have organized play dates, you can use family situations to teach social skills like sharing, waiting for turns, and listening to others. Young children also engage in imaginative play, whether that驶s with stuffed animals, dolls, and other toys, by themselves or with an imaginary friend.
鈥淧arents can encourage and help with imaginative play, which is a good thing because it fuels cognitive ability,鈥� Kennedy-Moore says.
The impact of social skills in preschool and beyond
Parents play a big role in toddlers驶 and preschoolers驶 social lives, whether by enrolling children in play groups and preschool or by organizing playdates and bringing children together in family gatherings. And as you’re probably discovering, you are your child驶s primary guide and coach, overseeing these interactions and teaching social skills that will ensure these are positive experiences.
Your efforts will pay off not just in fewer tantrums and smoother playdates now, but in better school performance and greater happiness throughout your child驶s life. Watching a classroom full of kids, you can easily distinguish the ones who listen to the teacher, pay attention to instructions, and speak up at the right times, as compared with those who don鈥檛 pay attention, talk over others, interrupt, and share opinions at inappropriate times.
Practical guidance for parents
Kids who have a hard time listening will also have difficulty following instructions, an issue that will seriously impact their academic progress in elementary school. Listening is also a cornerstone of empathy, because as we all know it’s hard to understand another person驶s perspective if you can驶t really hear and absorb it. In elementary school, empathy will play a huge role in establishing deeper friendships and resolving conflicts, so while preschool children aren驶t yet ready for full-blown empathy, they can become good listeners, which is the first step.
For some young children, emotions can be overwhelming. 鈥淔requent tears can be a sign that children haven鈥檛 yet learned other ways to handle their emotions,鈥� says Kennedy-Moore. 鈥淔or some children, crying can even become a habit — their go-to response to any difficulty.鈥� While crying when you驶re upset is natural, and you don驶t want to discourage any expression of emotion, it can also get in the way of socializing, notes Kennedy-Moore. 鈥淚f your child is crying, that means they are missing out on learning or playing or having fun,鈥� she says.
It only takes a few moments of watching the action during daycare or preschool drop-off to understand the importance of social skills in the preschool years. Listening, cooperation, and the ability to express emotions are key to getting along with others and making friends. Social skills also help build confidence and self-esteem.
If you驶re concerned that your preschool child驶s social skills are behind those of peers, you can talk to their teacher or pediatrician, an occupational therapist specializing in child development, or a child development professional.
Issues like persistently missing social cues can be signs of an autism spectrum disorder. Having an unusually hard time paying attention, staying on topic, or sitting still, can be signs of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), or the variant that doesn’t include hyperactivity, ADD.
Your own instincts are your best guide as to whether your child驶s issues are typical for their age or whether they seem to be struggling more than others. All children develop at their own pace, so don鈥檛 panic. Instead, stay calm, take note, watch your child鈥檚 progress, and share your concerns with professionals who can help. If there is an area where your child could use some help, early intervention can provide much-needed support and make a big difference in a relatively short period of time.
The preschool years are not the only time when parents have a major influence on a child驶s social development. In elementary school and beyond, you’ll continue to have plenty of influence in this area of your child驶s life. As Kennedy-Moore puts it: 鈥淧arents sometimes feel anxious as their kids venture out into the social world and form new relationships, but the research shows that the importance of parents never drops.鈥�
