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Remember middle school? You may not want to. These years are notoriously challenging, as kids go through the dramatic changes of adolescence and the intense and sometimes difficult process of self-discovery that comes with it. Add to that a big jump in academic expectations and rising peer pressure, and middle schoolers find themselves with a lot to navigate. While all of this was true for parents as well, teenagers today must go through all this under the microscope of social media, which vastly intensifies the pressure.

鈥淲e look back and we think we remember what it felt like to be this age, but tweens and teens today are inhabiting a very different world,鈥� says , a Chicago-based psychologist and author of . 鈥淪ocial media shifts the whole social landscape, affecting almost every element of their lives, and it carries a whole bunch of stress and anxiety,鈥� he says, adding 鈥渁s if these years weren’t stressful enough.鈥�

At this age, typically the ages 11 to 13, many kids also change schools to a two- or three-grade middle school. They may not be with the same kids from elementary school, requiring them to make all new friends. They also develop new interests, which brings them into contact with new groups of kids. Some kids may feel closer to the new friends than their childhood pals, and some may feel intimidated by some or all of the new kids.

All of this puts middle school social skills in the spotlight. These are the tools middle schoolers need to find their way in their new environment. Fostering social skills involves building confidence, empathy, and communication skills. You want your child to speak up and take initiative to get their needs met, express how they feel in safe ways, be able to carry on conversations with their peers, stick up for themselves when needed, and ask for help when they need it. Strong social skills will help them do this.

Understanding social skills in middle school

Academic skills help kids achieve in school and eventually in the workplace. Physical skills help kids succeed on the playing field, in art and music studios, and anywhere else they need strength, coordination, and dexterity. But social skills, which help kids communicate effectively, work cooperatively with others, manage their emotions, and resolve problems and conflicts, are essential in all aspects of life.

Kids with strong social skills get higher grades, develop better self-esteem, and are less likely to have behavioral problems. More and more, is linking social skills to mental health, emotional well-being, and happiness. Social skills also help middle schoolers develop the kinds of strong bonds, close friendships, and support networks that they will draw on during the teen years and for the rest of their lives.

But social skills don驶t come easy to some kids — and even some tweens who were socially adept in elementary school may encounter challenges during middle school.

鈥淪truggling with social skills is not the same thing as not being social,鈥� Duffy says. 鈥淜ids may want to engage and interact with other kids, but when they do, it doesn’t go well. They might have trouble making conversation, or just seem out of sync.鈥�

All kids feel awkward at times and in some situations. For some kids, any group situation can be challenging, often because they aren驶t good at picking up on social cues or following unspoken social rules. 鈥淜ids who have difficulty reading social cues can find it hard to fit in, or they may unintentionally do things that annoy and bother other kids, which makes it hard to find friends.鈥�

Becoming a welcome addition to groups involves the ability to take in feedback and acknowledge and learn from mistakes. These are abilities your child will use all their life in the quest for self-improvement. Think of someone you know who has trouble receiving feedback or can驶t admit mistakes — it驶s easy to see how these issues become roadblocks to self-awareness, connection, and improvement.

Middle school social skills challenges and opportunities

Every tween gets their feelings hurt from time to time — and no one gets through the middle school years without encountering a few truly painful situations. As a parent, your role is to support your child in any way you can, which starts with expressing empathy and understanding. But in order for you to do that, your middle schooler has tell you when something upsetting happens, which many kids have trouble doing.

Getting your tween to talk about difficult feelings

鈥淢ost every kid goes through something that is mortifying, and the goal is not really to remedy that, because you can驶t,鈥� Duffy says. 鈥淏ut if they can talk about it, you can help them deal with it and then you can build confidence and resilience.鈥�

Talking about painful experiences always feels safer in the context of swapping stories. When we know the listener has experienced something similar, it鈥檚 easier to share. Duffy encourages parents to tell their kids about times they went through something they驶re embarrassed about or ashamed of. 鈥淛ust drop in a story from time to time, like 驶I remember when a girl in my third grade class had a party and I found out afterwards everyone was invited but me,’ and let your child know you went through this, and it hurt and made you sad, but here you are today,鈥� he says.

鈥淭he goal is not to remedy, but to talk about it. We’re not going to solve the problem and get them invited to the party, but by listening and discussing, we help them learn to manage their emotions.鈥�

After listening with empathy and sharing stories of your own (note: only if you have relevant similar stories), ask your child what they think is a good next step. As Duffy noted, you cannot 鈥渇ix鈥� these situations for your child, but you can show them that you believe in them by asking their opinion and ideas. By not swooping in, you鈥檙e helping them build their resilience. (Read more about how to help your child with friend issues.)

Helping your tween see the bigger picture

Some middle school kids have trouble getting along with other children because they complain a lot or criticize other kids. This often happens with children who are perfectionistic and hard on themselves, and therefore more likely to turn that exacting lens onto others. If you notice your child holding grudges, acting judgmental, or commenting about schoolmates, friends, or teammates in a negative way, it驶s important to help them become aware of this behavior and how it makes others feel.

Start by describing what you’re seeing and hearing: 鈥淚 notice that you get irritated when other kids read slower than you do,鈥� or 鈥淚 saw you get frustrated with your teammates when no one could make a goal.鈥� Remind your child everyone has things they驶re better at and things that don驶t come as easily and that no one is free from making mistakes. And what one friend lacks in one area, they likely make up for in another (e.g. one friend may not be great at sports, but he may be an awesome gamer; more importantly, a kind friend who has your back is much more important than any other skills or talents.)

Why social skills matter in middle school

Middle school is a big step out into the wider world for many kids. Now, they encounter a larger and more diverse community of students and teachers. In this new realm, they have to step up to meet higher expectations and navigate unfamiliar rules and requirements.

In many middle schools, the routine is quite different. Kids have multiple teachers and classes rather than just one. They have to incorporate new activities, such as required PE, into their day. Perhaps more importantly, though, middle school is where students really begin to develop a distinct sense of identity and uniqueness. It驶s also where they can build self-esteem or suffer setbacks that sap self-confidence. Social skills become more critical than ever, as kids are called on to deal with unfamiliar situations while they鈥檙e also becoming more sensitive to peer feedback and approval.

Let驶s face it, middle school is stressful. It鈥檚 more so for the many kids who face issues of anxiety and depression. Kids with good social skills are better able to recognize and manage difficult emotions, regulate stress, stick up for themselves, and ask for help when they need it.

Fostering social skills in middle school students

One of the best ways parents can help middle schoolers with social skills might come as a surprise: Let them handle it.

鈥淎 lot of times when our kids tell us about an issue they驶re having, we want to problem solve for them, so we say 驶Why don驶t you try this.’ But no, we want to let the child do as much of the work as possible,鈥� Duffy says. 鈥淭his is about confidence and resilience, because they鈥檙e going to be navigating this their whole lives. So they need to use the tools at their disposal, the ones they驶re comfortable with. They have to be the ones that make the decisions on how they want to handle a situation.鈥�

Of course, you still want to know what驶s going on with your child, and be there to lend support when you can. But where to start?

鈥淲hen your child gets home from school and you ask about their day, don驶t just stop at asking about what they did, but encourage them to tell stories. You can ask if anything odd or funny happened,鈥� Duffy says. Then on days when something happened that made your child sad, mad, disappointed, or confused, the story is likely to come pouring out.

Conflicts happen at home as well as elsewhere, and when they do, parents can use these as opportunities for helping kids handle conflict constructively. Whether it’s a sibling fight or a disagreement between you and your child, try to get everyone using “I” statements and avoid blaming or name-calling. When the family approach to conflict results in compromise and solutions, your middle schooler is more likely to trust that that can happen elsewhere.

Practical activities to help middle school kids develop social skills

Throughout early childhood and elementary school, parents and teachers put effort into helping kids learn how to articulate their thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and in a way that respects the needs of others. You’ve helped your child become a better listener and guided them as they learned to negotiate, problem-solve, and cooperate.

Now, as your middle schooler encounters a wider variety of social situations, they need more thorough and specific instructions and guidance on how to develop and apply social skills to the new situations they’re finding themselves in. They also need help handling cliques, rivalries, and bullying, all of which amp up in middle school.

In school, teachers often use social-emotional learning (SEL) lessons and activities to model and instruct students on social awareness, relationship skills, self-management, and responsible decision-making. Sometimes it鈥檚 through a specially developed SEL curriculum, other times the lessons are integrated into academic subjects by using books, scripts, or projects that explore social and emotional situations and themes.

As parents, we can provide a receptive environment for social skills by modeling good listening, cooperation, and problem solving ourselves and encouraging them around the dinner table, in the car, in front of the TV, and any other times family members are together. Yes, this may require putting the screens away. But when screens are out, make a point of watching something together. In a tricky situation, hit pause and ask your child what they would do if they were in that situation — as a participant, a bystander, and an authority figure. Talking about and role playing different scenarios is still one of the most effective ways to help your child develop the know-how and skills to navigate social challenges.

Interactive social skills activities for middle schoolers

While most kids gain considerable social independence during the middle school years, parents still have the power to put their children in situations that challenge them to up their social skills. One of the best opportunities is to encourage your child to participate in extracurricular activities.

鈥淚t doesn’t even really matter what it is, it can be a class, a team, or an activity, but you want to help your kid discover some activity he has the potential to thrive in,鈥� Duffy says.

It may take multiple tries to find that thing that really resonates with your child. Maybe it’s not a traditional sport like baseball or soccer, but karate, or gymnastics, or a theater group.鈥� If your child is opposed to playing a sport, encouraging them to join a club or team is often the best route to feeling that group spirit,鈥� Duffy says. 鈥淚n the formative years, it’s really important for kids to play a part in something bigger than themselves, to feel the motivation of a team counting on you,鈥� he says.鈥� Being part of a team challenges kids to push themselves, reach for a goal, and test their limits.鈥� (Check out our ultimate list of extracurricular activities for inspiration.)

Building effective communication

Keeping the lines of communication open during these angst-ridden years isn驶t easy, but it驶s absolutely essential. You want to understand and support your middle schooler驶s emotional growth and development. And you want to model open communication for your child.

鈥淚f your kid is coming home and going straight up the stairs to their room, you probably have a change or two you want to make as soon as you can,鈥� Duffy says. 鈥淏ecause you need your kid to talk to you, and all the parenting advice in the world won驶t work if you don驶t know what驶s going on with them.鈥�

To get that conversation going, Duffy recommends thinking of your relationship with your child as an emotional bank account, in which the positive interactions need to outweigh the negative.

鈥淭here驶s some really good research on relationships that suggests that you can argue with your kids, you can have debates with them, you can have really negative interactions with them on occasion, but communication won驶t break down if the positive interactions outweigh the negative by at least five to one.鈥�

To build up that balance if it驶s off — as it is for many of us — Duffy recommends coming to your child with curiosity rather than an agenda of changing their behavior.

鈥淕et to know their world and interests. Ask what they驶re listening to, if they驶ll play it for you, then ask why they like it. Show them that even if their interests are different from yours, you trust their opinions and preferences and want to learn what they know,鈥� he says.

Another way to build up that balance sheet — and strengthen trust — is by giving plenty of positive feedback. Remember that early childhood strategy of 鈥渃atching them when they’re good?鈥� The same strategy works with tweens and teens, too. Recognize your child驶s efforts to make friends, cooperate with others, make up after a fight, or stand up for an opinion, and notice and praise when they do something nice for someone else. It’s especially important to call out instances where your child shares feelings to reinforce a family culture of openness. Your child wants to feel known and seen, and they want to be bonded with you. So if at first you don鈥檛 succeed, try, try again.

The impact of social skills in middle school and beyond

Academically, middle school students are expected to master more complex and abstract concepts and apply critical thinking in social settings, such as class lectures and discussion groups. Group work is big in many middle schools, and most kids will have to participate in projects and presentations that require one-on-one and group interaction and collaboration, possibly with kids they don驶t know well.

All of these factors will become even more important in high school as kids strive for the grades and skills they need to get into college and prepare for jobs and careers. As your child prepares to go on to high school, they驶ll rely on the social skills they驶ve absorbed so far to put them on a path to success.

Practical guidance for parents

As a parent, you may feel a bit at a loss during the middle school years. As your child becomes more peer-identified, it may feel at times like they’re paying more attention to their friends驶 opinions than yours. It can make you worry your influence is waning. It驶s true that kids this age compare themselves increasingly to peers and role models.

But as your child ventures beyond the elementary school classroom and playground to explore these new interests, values and goals, remember that your influence remains strong. And remember that you can help by encouraging them to express themselves while respecting differences with others.

And as your middle schooler learns how to articulate their thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and in a way that respects the needs of others, they need opportunities to practice these skills. You can provide both by facilitating participation in sports, clubs, and other activities.

The middle school years are a time of rapid change. Your 11- to 13-year-old will encounter new challenges and go through intense ups and downs. As your child experiences the physical and emotional changes of adolescence, they鈥檙e also facing higher academic expectations and stronger peer pressure. You can set your child up for success by helping them build a base of strong social skills.

Strong social skills give middle schoolers an important advantage as they go through this dramatic transition, helping them succeed academically while building a strong and supportive network of relationships.