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The problem: My child seems obsessed with being popular.

Dig deeper into the craving for popularity.

Do: Ask questions to find out what your child really wants from being part of the in-crowd. Are they seeking approval from one particular kid? Or feeling lonely? What does your child imagine popularity brings? Then focus on the underlying need.

Focus on their passions.

Do: Help your child find a group of kids whose interests they share, whether it’s through sports, theater, music, or academics. When kids find peers who love the same activity, they feel more comfortable being themselves.

Don’t dismiss your child’s feelings.

Dismiss your child’s desire to conform or to have social power as shallow. Tweens and teens are trying to figure out their identity. Comparing themselves with peers helps them do that; it also often leads to feeling insecure about where they fit in.

Listen more, judge less.

Say: “I notice you’re really interested in what Sarah and her crowd are doing. What are they like?”

Share your own experience.

Say: “I remember how it felt when I was your age. Sometimes it felt like I was left out of all the fun.”

Don’t say

“People who are popular in high school aren’t necessarily socially successful later in life.” or “This will pass.” (These statements may be true, but your child cares about what is happening right now, not in the future.)

Why this approach to popularity matters

When kids see the popular crowd, they often think those children are happier, have it all, have something they don’t. Try to get your child talking about how they feel. Empathize with their experience, without feeling like you have to solve the problem. Kids learn resilience by dealing with uncomfortable feelings.

Read more about how parents can help their child resolve issues with friends in an empathetic way.