It鈥檚 one of the biggest worries for every parent as their child heads to school: Will they have friends?
And it鈥檚 no wonder. When we look back on our own childhoods, we realize that having friends was a big part of whether we remember a particular year as a good one or not. We also know the importance of social skills in academic achievement and that helping our child develop strong social skills will set them up for a happy and successful adulthood.
And yet, how to make friends is not one of the subjects or skills schools promise to explicitly teach your child. They may emphasize social-emotional learning or even have an SEL curriculum, but helping your child feel known, seen, and appreciated by helping them make positive friendships is not something that most schools, if any, promise to accomplish during the academic year.
The school environment
From the moment your child walks out the front door that first day of preschool, their social life at school begins to take form. It’s not just what happens in the classroom that matters, it’s your child驶s experience in the hallway, on the playground, and in after-school daycare programs, sports practices, and other activities like dance and music. In every one of those places, your child has opportunities to meet and connect with other kids they share interests and temperament with — and to encounter difficult experiences like teasing, conflict, embarrassment, and feeling left out.
Starting in middle school — and very much in high school — a whole host of other social opportunities and experiences present themselves, from parties and dating to just 鈥渉anging out鈥� after school and social media interactions that you may or may not know about. By the time your child reaches the tween and teen years, you want them to have developed social skills that are strong enough to make and keep appropriate friends while resisting peer pressure, sidestepping bad decisions, and avoiding risky behaviors.
鈥淲hat fuels the development of children’s friendships, from those 鈥榣ove the one you’re with鈥� friendships of the toddler years to the more intimate and lasting friendships of the teen years, is an increasing ability to understand someone else’s perspective,鈥� says , a Princeton, NJ-based psychologist and author of more than a dozen books for parents and kids, including . For kids, Kennedy-Moore has a whole series of books and podcasts including and the podcast .
Age-appropriate tips for making friends
Curiosity may not be great for the cat, but it’s highly beneficial for kids developing early social skills. Curiosity spurs young kids to ask questions, listen to the answers, and feel empathy based on that understanding.
鈥淲hen you’re watching a movie or reading a book, pause from time to time and ask your child questions like 驶Why do you think he did that?驶 or 鈥淗ow do you think that made her feel,鈥�” says Kennedy-Moore. 鈥淔ostering that curiosity about other peoples鈥� thoughts and feelings is something that parents can help a lot with. Make it a family habit to ask each other about your days, your interests, and your thoughts, so your child gets comfortable with this kind of communication. You’re helping them become an adult who can share deep feelings.鈥�
Teaching kids how to enter a group
鈥淔rom research, we know that it驶s easier to join a single person or a group of four or more than it is to break into a twosome or threesome, since they tend to be tighter,鈥� says Kennedy-Moore. 鈥淎 single person is likely to be looking for a buddy, and with a group it’s easier to join in on whatever they驶re doing.鈥� When it comes to joining, though, Kennedy-Moore suggests that kids observe the action for a bit and then slide in, rather than coming up to the group in a direct approach that stops the play.
鈥淎s parents, we say 驶Go over and introduce yourself and ask if you can play,驶 but that leaves too much of a window for the mischievous kid to say something unwelcoming and they also interrupt the action and draw attention to themselves.鈥� Instead, if it’s a game of tag, your child can watch to see who驶s 鈥淚t驶 and where the base and boundaries are and then slide in. If the other kids are engaged in a project, like building something, your child might bring over some supplies or compliment them on what they’re doing. Then they may wait to be asked to join in or politely ask if they can help.
Lastly, she says, coach your child on social cues and how to match the tone of the group. 鈥淚f everyone is excited about the latest collectible cards and another child comes over and says these are dumb, it’s like a neon sign above their head saying I don鈥檛 belong here. Instead, they might match the excited tone or at least ask an interested question. Likewise, if the kids are all complaining about the math test, and your child comes over and says, 驶I think it was easy,驶 that驶s not going to go over well.鈥� While you don驶t want your child to pretend to be less academically successful than they are, Kennedy-Moore suggests your child contribute a different kind of criticism, such as 鈥淚 can’t believe we had four word problems,鈥� or 鈥淚t’s so unfair that we have the math test the same day that we have the social studies test.鈥�
Then there驶s the compliment, a tried-and-true conversation-starter that works in almost any situation. Looking over another child驶s shoulder to compliment their drawing, pointing out a cool backpack, or praising someone驶s winning goal are all good ways a child can let someone know they like them.
Encouraging social activities
Think of social skills like a sport or any other ability — they improve with practice, preferably in a variety of playing fields. Some kids make this easy, asking for playdates and announcing they驶d like to join a sports team or take a class like theater or music. For others it驶s more of a challenge due to temperament or lack of a specific interest. (Check out our ultimate list of extracurricular activities for inspiration.)
The prevalence of technology doesn’t help. 鈥淲e’ve allowed a culture to be created that is very isolating, and if you’ve got a child who驶s spending the lion驶s share of their time up in their bedroom, you may need to be persistent,鈥� says , a Chicago psychologist and author whose newest book is . His recommendation: Tell your child that they need to be involved in something beyond school in which they’re spending time with a group of peers on a regular basis. 鈥淵ou can make something extracurricular mandatory and also ordinary so that it becomes part of the fabric and culture of your life as a family.鈥�
When it comes to both interests and potential friends, some kids need a bit of steering to find the activities and peers they really sync with. 鈥溾�淚f they’re struggling to be like the cool kid, or pretending to be something they驶re not, it’s not going to work,鈥� Duffy says. 鈥淵our child has an organic voice and set of interests, and you want to allow them the space to find that,鈥� Duffy says.
Get help if you need help
In cases where kids have serious issues making friends, parents may want to involve another adult, such as a teacher or, in the case of a child with developmental issues, the school specialist or an occupational therapist or child psychologist, who can help facilitate group interactions.
In fact, developing social skills can be part of an IEP or 504.
鈥淭hey might arrange something on the playground where the child is included and maybe organically some friendships can bubble up or they驶ll make sure that the child is with a friendly group of kids in a group project in the art class so that they can start to slowly, gradually build up some peer relationships,鈥� Duffy says. He adds that, when it comes to social skills struggles, sometimes part of parenting is recognizing, 鈥淥kay, I’m not the right person to solve this.鈥� At least not on your own.
Supporting social development
When your child comes home from school bursting with a story about a fight on the playground or the crazy thing that happened in math class, you驶ve got the perfect chance for a conversation about emotions and relationships.
鈥淲hen your child tells you a story, it’s an opportunity to ask questions like, 鈥榃hat was that like for that child,鈥� or 鈥榃hat do you think that child was feeling?鈥欌�� Duffy says.
He suggests that parents do the same thing with movies and TV, making them vehicles for social skills development. If there’s an emotionally charged scene, Duffy recommends pausing it and asking, 鈥淲hat is going on with this character right now? How do you think he’s feeling?鈥� Your kids are going to roll their eyes and act annoyed, he says, but it is an enormous opportunity outside of what’s going on in their own lives to talk about how relationships work and how feelings work. It can be a mini clinic on emotional intelligence.
The role of playdates
Organizing playdates for younger children and hangouts and sleepovers for older kids helps them relax in a way they can驶t at school. Help make these get-togethers successful with a bit of pre-game coaching, talking about what it means to be a good host. What can they do to make their guests feel comfortable? If your child sometimes misses social cues, remind them to notice how their guest is feeling and react to signs of boredom or frustration. It can also help to pick out a few possible games to suggest to get things started.
Sometimes kids need a little coaching on how to get a playdate or after-school hangout off the ground. For this, Kennedy-Moore has a practical solution: Limit the number of options available ahead of time, giving your child two possible activities to choose from. 鈥淭here驶s that awkward moment of 驶What do you want to do?驶 驶I don驶t know, what do you want to do?驶 and they can get stuck there. You can just skip this entirely if your child says 鈥淒o you want to do A or B?驶 and that way they get to the playing part faster.鈥� Later on, if you notice they’re looking bored or frustrated, you can give two more choices.
Helping your child handle friendship conflicts
Offer strategies to address conflicts and misunderstandings with friends. 鈥淲here I particularly see this issue coming up is with anger,鈥� says Kennedy-Moore. 鈥淜ids and adults both who are prone to anger tend to assume that when other people are doing whatever it is that’s causing problems, they’re doing it out of deliberate meanness, but that’s usually not the case.鈥�
Kennedy-Moore suggests the Maybe Game as a tool to get your child to think about these situations more broadly and not jump to conclusions. The Maybe Game starts with what Kennedy-Moore terms a 鈥渒id crime,鈥� such as taking another child驶s pencil. 鈥淵our child comes home upset and you say, 驶So, Jeremy took your pencil.鈥� Now maybe Jeremy took your pencil because he wanted you to suffer. But probably not, so we look for other explanations. 驶Maybe he thought it was his. Or maybe he knew it wasn’t his, but just meant to borrow it for a few minutes, then forgot to return it.鈥� The Maybe Game also works well when your child is upset about a hurtful comment, helping them think through alternative explanations, such as simple thoughtlessness or a clumsy attempt at humor that misfired. 鈥淪o one of our maybes might be 鈥淢aybe she didn鈥檛 realize that would make you feel bad, people have different sensitivities and something that bothers you might not bother her.鈥�
Bullying is one of the touchiest friendship issues kids have to deal with, particularly among tweens and teens. When it happens, it has to be taken very seriously. But not all meanness is bullying. Kennedy-Moore says it驶s important to help kids understand the difference. 鈥淏ullying is deliberate meanness targeting a specific individual, usually over a period of time, although sometimes one especially awful action can count. And the most important thing is there is a power difference between the kid doing the bullying and the kid being targeted. If there is no power difference, it is not bullying. It is a conflict.鈥� This matters, she says, because if we call something bullying when it’s not, it’s disrespectful to the serious cases.
We also don驶t want to give our kids the message that they’re fragile and can驶t handle it when other kids say something hurtful. 鈥淚’m not condoning bullying or teasing or anything of the sort, but it’s just going to happen and kids can learn to defuse it,鈥� Kennedy-Moore says. Saying `鈥淩eally?鈥� or 鈥淥kay鈥� in a bored voice with no further reaction is one effective way to make a mean comment fall flat, she says. 鈥淥r you can give a big grin and say `Thanks for noticing,鈥� or 鈥楿mm, tell me when you get to the funny part.鈥� It sort of depends on the kid and the situation.鈥�
Of course, true bullying, whether by a group or single child, needs to be taken very seriously and requires immediate intervention, preferably involving the school.
Building a support network for your child
Getting to know your child驶s friends has a myriad of benefits. It’s easier to arrange playdates for younger kids if you know the families of those your child wants to play with. Making family friends is a great way to expand your child驶s social circle. And multi-family events, like barbecues and holiday gatherings, offer shyer kids a chance to get to know others in a relaxed setting where fun is on the agenda.
As kids get older, having a network of friends in the parent community gives you access to information, both positive and negative. It’s a great way to hear about activities like science camps, music groups, club sports, and summer programs. You驶re also more likely to get an earful about risky behaviors, bullying episodes, and parties getting out of hand.
If you have the time to get involved on a larger level, joining the Parent-Teacher Association (PTA) or other such groups is a good way to learn about current issues in the community and suggest strategies and solutions.
In addition to fellow parents, schools today offer considerable resources to support kids who are struggling with social relationships, anxiety, stress, and other issues. It’s important to reinforce to your child that these resources are available and that it’s smart to use them.
“There are social workers, psychologists, and other specialists in the building that they can go see and teachers who are on their side,” says Duffy. “There are all sorts of opportunities for kids to advocate for themselves.”
Kids spend the majority of their waking time at school, at least during the academic year. As a result, it鈥檚 the most important scenario for making and deepening friendships. With your help and support, your child can learn how to recognize the kids with whom they share interests and temperament and take the necessary steps to turn an acquaintance into a friend. They can also build their social, communication, and negotiation skills to get along and get closer, leading to deeper and more lasting friendships that will contribute to your child鈥檚 lifelong health and happiness.
