In the tween years, parenting can become so much more challenging. Seemingly overnight, your tween or preteen (ages 9 to 12) is changing physically, emotionally, and cognitively. Friends are now more important than ever in their sphere, but also less predictable than ever. How will your child handle the ups and downs of peer relationships? More importantly, will your child emerge from the preteen years liking who they are? How can you help your preteen cope with feelings of inadequacy 鈥� and can you help prevent scars to your preteen鈥檚 ego?
As a clinical psychologist, I鈥檝e worked with preteens and their families for 40 years. Between the ages of 9 and 12, preteens are becoming more self-reflective. They start to turn inward and internalize some feedback in outsized ways while ignoring other feedback entirely. Luckily, even though it may seem like your child鈥檚 friends are their world, parents can play an important role in helping their child come out of the preteen years feeling good about themselves. How? By helping your tweens develop a positive self-image, which will help them be more resilient as teens and adults. It鈥檒l even help them be less vulnerable to stress as they get older.
So the results are great, but the work can be tough in the moment. Say your tween shares a story with you about being excluded by their best friend. Or worse, a humiliation they鈥檝e suffered in front of their peers.
Helping your tween deal with being excluded
Here鈥檚 a scenario that can be incredibly upsetting to a tween: 鈥淢y best friend ate lunch with someone else, and she鈥檚 going over to the other girl鈥檚 house, not mine, after school. No one likes me anymore.鈥�
This can be heartbreaking for a parent to hear. No parent likes to feel like their child is being rejected. It can even feel to many parents like they are the ones being rejected, too. So take a deep breath and put aside your own emotional reaction.
Start with empathy
The number one thing a parent can do when a child expresses a concern or worry about friends or peers is to listen and express empathy. Empathy is understanding your child’s feelings from their point of view. When you empathize, you should tune into your child鈥檚 emotions. In this case, they鈥檙e upset about feeling rejected and worrying that no one likes them. You could say: “You feel rejected and hurt that your friend did not sit with you at lunch and does not want to hang out with you after school. You are worried that no one likes you.” Notice that you do not tell your child not to worry or that everything will be okay in the future. You do not know what the future brings, and your child knows that, too.
What you do know is that your child has a concern now. By empathizing, parents give their child the feeling that they are not alone. You鈥檙e showing that you understand. That connection you make with your tween helps soothe them and gives them the strength to face what is worrying them. You will know you connected when your child smiles, tears up, says more, or reaches out to hug you. Or, your child may not show much of an immediate reaction; instead, you may see signs in the next few days or weeks that they seem calmer, happier, or more energetic. shows that parental empathy helps a child feel comfortable expressing emotion and reduces the risk of behavior problems. In addition, a parent or guardian鈥檚 support is the most important factor in whether a child becomes resilient when facing adversity in the future.
Share your experiences
Empathy is the number one thing a parent can — and should — do. However, there are three additional steps parents can take to help their child with their concerns. First, if a parent has experienced similar feelings of rejection, exclusion, or humiliation as a child or teen, share your experience with your child. It is comforting for your child to know someone else (who they know, love, and trust) has had similar feelings or experiences. Describe briefly what you went through, and see if your child asks to know more. Don鈥檛 make it up though. Your child will figure that out, and your child may feel worse and not trust what you say in the future. If nothing comes to mind, that鈥檚 okay. Move on to the next step.
Stick to the facts
If you have it, share any factual information that bears on your child鈥檚 concern. This is a way to help your tween keep what happened in perspective. When a child (or an adult for that matter) feels rejected, they often focus on the rejection to such an extent that they lose perspective. For example, when kids feel excluded by one group of friends, it can be helpful to remind your child of their positive relationships with other kids, from their scout troup, a sports team, an art class, etc. You could say that tweens sometimes try out new relationships, and then reiterate that it hurts if you are the one left out. Be careful that you don鈥檛 inadvertently leave your child feeling their worry is 鈥渟illy.鈥� It isn鈥檛. You鈥檙e just pointing out that your child has friends in other areas of their life that they can choose to spend time with.
Develop a plan of action
Step three is to develop a plan of action together. Your tween may feel too distressed initially to discuss alternatives. At some point later that day or the next day, you could ask your child to think with you about different options. One might be to think about inviting another friend over to your house after school. Another possibility would be to say hello to your old friend at school and see if they respond and want to chat. If they do, that would be a sign they still want to be friends.
Helping your tween deal with humiliation online or in person
Another scenario that is unfortunately all too common is a peer posting something online that humiliates your tween. It can hurt so much that your tween wants to avoid being around the child or group that shamed them. With the prominence of the internet in our children’s lives, shaming can happen in an instant, feel like it鈥檚 coming out of nowhere, and make your child want to stay home from school.
Let’s consider the scenario above, where your child feels rejected by a friend. What if the “friend” also posted something online that your child had shared in private. What if your tween had said in private that she did not like hanging out with guys, and her “friend” posted that information online, and also called her a baby? Your child could feel humiliated and want to avoid going to school.
The first step would be to empathize with how painful it is to have private information posted on the internet and to be called a baby by someone who had been a friend. You could next share if someone exposed private information that was humiliating for you when you were a child. The next step would be to mention factual information about social media and how painful it is to have your privacy violated by online posts because so many people hear about it. Then you could discuss ways to handle it. Ask your child what they think might help. You can suggest ideas, too, such as you calling the other child’s parent, or you and your child talking with the school counselor about what to do. Because internet shaming can be so harmful, you may decide to talk to the school counselor yourself, even if your child does not want to. Generally, you want the plan to be collaborative, but sometimes, as the parent, you may decide you need to act. Be sure to let your child know what you decide. Also, explain that missing school is not going to help, because your child鈥檚 worries will only grow the more they avoid seeing peers.
Hopefully you can see why reassuring words, such as 鈥淓verything is going to be alright!鈥� is not generally the best approach parents can take. Tweens are likely to say to themselves, 鈥淢y parents are just saying that because they want me to feel better, but I know other people think I鈥檓 _______.鈥� Reassurance can feel like you are minimizing your child鈥檚 worry, and that will make your child less likely to share with you in the future. It also deprives your tween of an opportunity to collaborate with you on a way of dealing with their problem, and then to feel proud of themselves afterwards. Research being done at places like the has shown that self-efficacy, in addition to parental empathy, are important factors that lead to resilience.
By providing empathy, sharing your own experiences, sharing relevant facts, and helping your child come up with solutions, you can help your tween cope with friend drama and emerge stronger, more self-confident, and more resilient as they enter their teenage years.
