The problem: My older child controls and bullies their siblings.
Listen to your gut. Is this rivalry or bullying?
Do: How serious is this problem? It’s worth sitting with this question and cluing into your gut feelings. Are you worried? Does the dynamic seem toxic for your younger child? Sibling power dynamics are a common source of conflict for many families, but bullying is serious, no matter who does it. Research shows that sibling bullying can have long-term effects that are more serious than bullying at school.
Learn to recognize the signs of abuse.
Do: It’s not always easy to recognize the line between normal rivalry and unhealthy conflict. If the sibling with more power repeatedly behaves with purposeful negative and hurtful intent, then it’s considered bullying behavior and you should intervene.
Create a home where it’s cool to be kind.
Do: Model empathy for the child who has been hurt. Model and reward kindness for the child who is bullying their siblings. Encourage your older child to take the younger child’s perspective.
Monitor for safety, but get out of the way.
Do: You need to intervene if there’s bullying. But a lot of rivalry is triggered by competing for parental attention. Make sure your kids can develop a bond by helping them learn how to play and resolve conflicts together — safely and fairly (and over time) — without your involvement.
Don’t assume you’re powerless.
Don’t give up: You may feel overwhelmed, but you do have the power to help.
What to say
- (in the heat of the moment)/span> “In our house we value treating each other with kindness and respect. How about you try saying that in a kind way you can be really proud of?”
- (in a quiet moment to your younger child) “I know you sometimes feel hurt by how your brother treats you. Let’s talk about how you feel and also how he feels. We can even come up with strategies to help you deal with conflicts.”
- (in a quiet moment to your older child) “I know you love your sister, but sometimes I’m not sure you communicate that. Sometimes you seem to be communicating the very opposite, even if you don’t mean it. If you treat each other kindly, you’ll both get so much more from being together.”
Don’t say
“What the hell are you doing? You kids are driving me crazy! I can’t take it any more!”
Why this approach to sibling bullying matters
Sibling rivalry creates a lot of free-floating stress. But focusing on your feelings of aggravation may be a distraction and only build up the conflict. Try to think of this as a problem that will get solved with a lot of kindness and thoughtfulness all around. Better to approach it with a clear mind and an optimistic heart. If you think it’s a bigger problem of abuse, seek professional help from school counselors or a therapist.
