The problem: My child acts unmotivated unless I’m hovering over them or disciplining them.
Get curious about the lack of motivation.
Do: Find a time when you’re not irked by your kid’s behavior to talk about what’s going on emotionally. Are they unmotivated for a reason? Do they need to find a passion? Is something going on that has made school or their other activities especially challenging? Are they sleep deprived or getting sick?
Less is more.
Don’t think a little more nagging will do the trick. Kids need plenty of nudging, but hovering and micromanaging may actually be contributing to your child’s lack of get-up-and-go. (Think about that boss who breathes down your neck: how does that make you feel?)
Talk about feelings, and brainstorm solutions together.
Say: “I’ve been nagging you a lot and this isn’t working for either of us. Is there anything you want to tell me about why you don’t want to _______? How can I help you get motivated?”
Don’t channel your inner evil schoolmaster (脿 la Professor Snape).
Don’t say: “You lazy, insolent little … Are you incapable of doing as you’re told? If I have to repeat myself, you will feel my wrath!”
Why this approach to lack of motivation matters
Unmotivated = not wanting to move. This isn’t the natural state of childhood. If your child seems unmotivated, there’s probably a deeper struggle going on. A lack of motivation can be connected to so many different things: fear of failing, feeling overwhelmed, not understanding the reality of hard work (that it’s hard), a lack of interest or inspiration, an inability to plan ahead, or even depression.
If your child is unmotivated, play the detective and find out what’s really going on. Punishment may work in the moment, but it won’t help your child or your relationship in the long term. Your child may remember the punishment, but forget what they were punished for. It also can lead to abuse of power, breaking down trust between you and your child.
Eventually, you want your child to grow up to be an adult who is intrinsically motivated to work hard, pursue passions, and yes, wash the dishes. So use this lack of motivation to teach your child about how to deal with those blah feelings.
Check out The essential guide to managing your child’s behavior and discipline. In our guide, you can see all the aspects of children’s behavior that we cover. Our guide helps you understand your child鈥檚 behavior, respond with care, and use discipline effectively.
