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From a toddler’s floor-pounding temper tantrum to a tween’s door-slamming tirade, a child’s challenging behavior is often met with time-honored punishments — from privileges revoked and fun activities denied to time-outs and groundings. As conventional parenting wisdom goes, a “bad” child must be punished to learn their lesson. Not so when a parent uses positive discipline.

Positive discipline experts say there’s a more effective way to respond to challenging behavior by looking at it as a form of communication. If a child feels unsafe or that a situation is out of control, they might try to take control by hitting someone. Another child might appear rude by not saying “Hello” to a parent’s friend, but underneath this behavior, they feel scared and shy. A tween might seem defiant by refusing to clean their room, but they may be exhausted after a long day at school and overwhelmed by the many steps it takes.

Whatever the problem behavior, a child who tries — sometimes inappropriately — to tell an adult what they need but whose needs aren’t being met will often act out as a way of sending a message that can, if it goes unheard, get louder and louder.

The positive discipline motto: kids do well if they can

An adult who looks at a child’s behavior as a form of communication will work to teach a child the skills they need to respond in a more productive way to life’s challenges. Above all else, this approach comes from a place of curiosity to ask what motivates a child’s behavior. This parenting approach begins with the belief that a child isn’t trying to be argumentative or uncooperative. They just haven’t been taught how to do the right thing. As renowned noted, “Kids do well if they can.鈥�

Positive discipline experts point out that children don’t have the life experience or brain development to know how to communicate their needs with thoughtful actions and words. Learning skills like impulse control, problem-solving, organization, and emotional regulation takes time and patience. An empathetic, reliable adult can be the person to help endow them with the skills they need to respond to life’s challenges more appropriately.

Looking beneath the surface of problem behavior

Positive parenting experts note that punishing a child with consequences or harsh words may stop the behavior at the moment. However, in the long term, this doesn’t give a child a more positive alternative for how to respond when met with life’s challenges that will happen, no matter the age.

So instead of responding with a punishment — as so many generations of parents have — adults can look for clues about what’s fueling the child’s behavior. Fear, anger, frustration, sadness, hunger, overwhelm, and fatigue can all be reasons a child is acting out. A tantruming child may simply need a snack or a hug. A raging teen whose parent responds empathetically by asking, “How can I help?” may help their child calm their emotional storm.

Any time a trusted adult acts as a behavior interpreter to understand what’s motivating “bad” behavior, children learn essential self-regulating skills like understanding why they’re feeling what they’re feeling and knowing how to articulate their needs without acting out.

2 questions help you look beneath the surface of your child’s behavior

• What does my child need or gain with their behavior?
• What skill can I teach my child to handle this situation differently?

When adults ask themselves these questions that lead to valuable information about why a child behaves a certain way, they move past a compliance-based approach — focusing on what your child has done wrong and demanding that they act — into a context-based interpretation that recognizes behavior doesn鈥檛 happen without other influences and motivations.

4 most common reasons for problem behavior in children: EATS

Child development experts have identified four types of behavior that serve a given purpose for your child.

Child development experts commonly use the acronym EATS (Escape, Attention, Tangible gains, and Sensory needs) to identify the four most common problem behaviors.

While you’re using the EATS lens, remember that your child often doesn’t know why they鈥檙e acting or reacting as they do. This means they may not know how to tell you in words what they need or even know themselves what they鈥檙e trying to communicate.

Here is a breakdown of how an adult can use EATS to understand what’s going on with a child’s problem behavior — and suggestions on how to take a positive discipline approach. Remember: always work through solutions outside of the moment of conflict. First, tap into your empathy to help your child feel safe, supported, and loved. When your child is calm, tap into your curiosity to look at what happened through the EATS lens.

1. Escape

   Escape is a way to avoid or escape an uncomfortable or aversive task or situation.

   Example: Emma often avoids family gatherings or other social events at home. She retreats to her room when people outside her immediate family come over. When encouraged to join the group, she becomes upset and retreats further.

   What this behavior is communicating: Emma, who is shy and introverted, is showing her unease with social interactions or large family gatherings. Returning to her room, she has found a way to escape overwhelming situations.

   A positive discipline approach: Talk with Emma in advance about ways she can feel more at ease when guests come over. If she must attend the gathering, she could be given a task, like helping cook or serve a meal. Or if you expect that she at least says hello to everyone, have her practice doing this to diffuse her anxiety in advance.

2. Attention

   Attention-getting behavior helps divert attention a child doesn’t want.

   Example: Lucas acts out during family game nights. Instead of participating, he disrupts the game, makes loud noises, or sometimes even hides the game pieces. When his parents reprimand him, he becomes so disruptive they send him to his room.

   What this behavior is communicating: Lucas is signaling that he feels left out or cannot participate at the same level as others. It could be that the games are too complex or confusing for him, or he needs help sitting still for extended board games. His disruptive actions are a way of showing his unease with the game playing.

   A positive discipline approach: Have a conversation with Lucas about family game night, letting him know that it’s more fun when you all have fun together. Suggest that once a month he can choose a different activity for the family that he’d love. Maybe they could all watch a family movie or go to mini golf? Or maybe Lucas would like a different kind of game that is a low-stress, cooperative one instead of competitive. In short, giving Lucas some agency in deciding on the activity will help him feel on the team, not against it.

3. Tangible gain

   Tangible gains enable a child to do an activity or get something they want.

   Example: Every night, Lily argues about bedtime. She persistently negotiates by trying to make deals with her parents so that she can stay up and play her favorite video games. When they say no, she becomes sullen and insists she can’t sleep.

   What this behavior is communicating: Lily’s negotiation and resistance at bedtime are ways to gain access to an activity she highly values — in this case, a video game.

   A positive discipline approach: Ask Lily how long she thinks she should be on screens and why. Tell her how long you think is reasonable. Then reach an agreement that you both agree on about how long Lily is allowed to play video games every day, and equally important, when screen time must end, say, at 8:00 pm. Let her know this is important since she and everyone in the family needs to get ready for bed at that time.

   The goal is to teach Lily self-regulating skills and to reduce the amount of nightly conflict. One reality check: Inevitably, video gameplay leads to the phrase, “Just let me get to the next level!” So, ahead of time, also talk about how 8:00 pm is a hard stop, but that you’d be willing to give Lily a 10-minute heads-up before she must stop playing for the evening.

4. Sensory needs

   Sensory or internal needs may take a lot of work to decipher. But with a bit of detective work, a parent can learn that a child’s sensory need could be anything from wearing pajamas that are not itchy to needing their environment to be calm and quiet.

   Example: Max often becomes upset during mealtimes. He refuses to eat foods with specific textures and becomes enraged if there is too much noise in the dining room. Max pushes his plate away, covers his ears, or leaves the table.

   What this behavior is saying: Max’s behavior during meals is due to sensory processing disorder. He’s not rude to others or a picky eater. Instead, his avoidance of certain foods and sensitivity to noise communicate extreme discomfort with these sensory experiences — namely, texture and noise.

   A positive discipline approach: Even children as young as 6 can be included in meal planning, shopping, and cooking. Inviting Max to choose some recipes he likes will help give him a sense of control and even fun when taking part in creating family meals. He will also be more interested in eating what he chose and helped to make.

Responding instead of reacting to challenging behavior

Parents often have strong feelings about their child’s problem behavior. If your child directs their anger at you, you may understandably take it personally, feel disrespected, and even feel like an ineffective, bad parent. There’s a world of difference in meeting your child’s challenging behavior with a thoughtful response instead of an emotional reaction.

A reaction:

• happens quickly, without a pause to reflect, and is often responding to your feelings about the conflict.
• doesn鈥檛 allow you to think through the impact on your child of what you say or do.
• leads to punitive, often unproductive, consequences.

A response:

• happens after you pause to think about your reaction.
• allows for consideration of the short- and long-term impacts of what you are about to do or say.
• reinforces your belief that your child wants to do well if they know how and leads to logical, productive consequences that teach your child essential life skills.

Responding instead of reacting takes work. Parents need to find ways to self-regulate so they don’t react in anger. They also need to learn to recognize what’s fueling their behavior (such as shame that they are failing as a parent or rage that their child is disrespecting them). But putting in the work is worth it to identify your emotions (by naming it you can tame it) and it pays off for you and for your child who is learning the emotional intelligence you are modeling for them.

Practical strategies for handling behavior as communication

Viewing your child’s behavior as a form of communication requires a dramatic shift in your response. Here are some practical strategies that can help.

1. Look and listen. Take the time to observe and listen to your child鈥檚 actions and body language, all of which can provide insight into their feelings and needs. Don鈥檛 hesitate to name what you see for your child. For example, you might say, 鈥淚 notice you鈥檙e clenching your fists and breathing quickly. That鈥檚 what my body feels like when I鈥檓 angry or frustrated.鈥�
2. Empathize. Try to understand the situation from your child’s perspective, acknowledge their feelings, and let them know it’s OK to feel whatever they鈥檙e feeling.
3. Identify the underlying need. Is your child hungry, tired, or overwhelmed? Do they need your attention? Are they trying to avoid or gain something? If you don鈥檛 know, you may want to ask them. They may be able to tell you if you ask them directly.
4. Teach your child emotional coping skills. Help your child learn how to express their emotions and needs in a healthy way. Teach them appropriate words to describe their feelings and to ask for help. If your child struggles with finding words when upset, it can help to have a card with pictures of calming activities they can point to on hand, like “Get a hug” or “Take a walk.”
5. Use positive reinforcement. Recognize and praise positive behavior when you see it. Several positive parenting programs refer to this as 鈥淐atch them being good.鈥�
6. Model the behavior you want to see. Children learn from what you say and what you do. So if you want them to look you in the eye, look them in the eye. If you want them to be calm, model being calm. Modeling truly is the most effective behavior-teaching tool.
7. Foster positive behavior. A child has more chances to behave well when their life has a measure of predictability, calm, and structure. Think about ways that your child’s schedule might better set them up for success — either by introducing more rest or by adding more structure they can rely on.
8. Involve your child in problem-solving. Instead of jumping to tell your child what to do or solve a problem, invite even a young child to problem-solve with you. This gives your child a sense of agency, so they take responsibility for their actions and outcomes.

Real-life parenting stories of learning the reason behind problem behavior

Anna, the mom of a 4-year-old who frequently gets sensory overload, saw her daughter often have meltdowns in the middle of the store, screaming and refusing to move. Feeling judged by other shoppers, Anna would angrily pick her daughter up and leave the store. This only escalated her daughter’s difficult behavior.

Once Anna knew to look at her daughter鈥檚 behavior through a different lens, she learned to put her reaction aside, ignore other shoppers’ judgements, and respond calmly. She started asking her daughter questions like, 鈥淚 see you鈥檙e upset. Is there something in the store that鈥檚 bothering you?鈥� Her daughter was able to explain that the lights and noise in the store were 鈥渢oo big.鈥� By identifying the real issue (overstimulation), Anna came up with solutions so shopping wasn’t needlessly stressful. Now whenever possible, Anna shops with her daughter when it’s not so crowded or she shops alone while her child stays at home with her dad.

Since learning these positive discipline techniques, Anna says she has embraced a new mantra that helps her stay steady and approach her child with more understanding and openness to finding solutions: 鈥淢y child isn鈥檛 giving me a hard time. My child is having a hard time.鈥� This, says Anna, has made all the difference in the world.