The problem: I’m having trouble getting my child to cooperate.
Think about the long game.
Do:
- If what you’re doing isn’t working, step back and think about giving your kids emotional skills instead of punishing their behavior.
- Find out what your child is feeling when they misbehave and what skills they need so that they can respond differently. Do they need to learn to recognize that they are getting upset before they react? Do they need better ways to deal with frustration or jealousy or fear?
- Get your child involved in the process. In a quiet moment, ask your child what’s going on with them emotionally. Make a list of new strategies they can use when they get into a situation where they might be destructive to themselves or others.
- Read about the benefits of positive parenting and positive discipline.
Don’t despair. This is a process.
Don’t give up! Just because you’re not feeling effective doesn’t mean you can’t teach your child to be cooperative. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent or your child is a bad kid. It just means your child may lack the social and emotional skills they need to handle what’s expected of them.
Offer neutral observations and genuine curiosity.
Say:
- “I see that you’re not cooperating when I ask you to ________. I’m really curious. What’s going on inside your head?”
- “I’m feeling frustrated, you’ve done _______ but I still need you to do _______. What will help you get this job done?”
- “It seems like you are worried that if you take a moment to ______, there won’t be any french fries left for you.”
Don’t go all military on them.
Don’t say: “You need to obey me. Do you hear me? Why? Because I am the parent and you are the child!”
Why this approach to cooperation matters
Even if obedience sounds good, research shows that demanding obedience is not as effective as giving kids the skills to cooperate. Why? Because your kids want to please you. They love you to pieces! Elementary school-age kids want to make their parents happy. Never forget this, even when they’re driving you nuts.
Sometimes kids say and do really obnoxious things because they haven’t learned what they need to know about sharing, taking turns, group dynamics, contributing to a family, not making a mess. There are so many skills to learn. Teach the skills but also the reason: when we all are kind, cooperative, and hard working, the world is a better place.
