Positive discipline is a child-rearing method that fosters positive behavior to help children learn problem-solving, self-regulation, and social skills. Rather than punishing children — which only causes ongoing disharmony and conflict for parents and children alike — the goal of positive discipline is to create a mutually respectful parent-child relationship. The core tenet of positive discipline is that no child is bad. Instead, there are good and bad behaviors. The idea is to teach children the difference and how to make good choices.
鈥淧ositive discipline aims to create a positive and respectful environment,” explains Janis Whitlock, PhD, a psychologist and senior advisor at . “One that nurtures a child’s development while maintaining appropriate boundaries and expectations.鈥�
6 essential positive discipline techniques
Here are the six essential techniques for your positive discipline toolbox — and how they can work in real life.
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Lead with empathy and understanding
Empathy (when you do your best to understand the emotions of others from their point of view) and understanding (when you know why someone is feeling or acting in a certain way) do wonders in building mutual trust and respect, keeping an open channel of communication so your child feels heard and seen, and supporting your child’s positive sense of self. Offering empathy and understanding lets your child know that what they feel isn鈥檛 right or wrong — it鈥檚 just what they feel.
What this looks like in practice
When you pick your child up from school and ask, “How was your day?” they yell, “Ugh, you always ask me that! I don’t want to talk about it!” Instead of admonishing them for yelling, you can ask your child, “We don’t have to talk about it, but I’m here if you want to. Sometimes, when I am feeling bad about something that happens, I get angry.” Later in the day, when they seem calmer, you can also say, “I’ve noticed you seem unhappy when I pick you up after school. I don’t like being yelled at, and I bet you don’t like feeling bad, so let’s write a list of ways pick-up can go more smoothly.” Even a young child can come up with solutions, like having a snack in the car since they might be hungry or having you ask silly questions at pick up like, “How many giraffes were at school today?”
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Set clear boundaries
Some might believe positive discipline means anything goes — a child is never told “No” or corrected for bad behavior. Nothing could be further from the truth. A parent who creates and sticks to firm and reasonable rules provides reassuring guardrails for their child who knows what they can and can’t do. Understanding the ground rules sets a child up for success, not failure. Rules can also prevent a cycle of nagging, arguing, and punishments. Setting clear boundaries for your child creates a sense of clarity and safety, but keep in mind that a parent practicing positive discipline must also know how to explain why they’ve set those boundaries.
What this looks like in practice
You have a rule that video games are not allowed on weeknights. So, when your 10-year-old sits down to play a game on a Tuesday after dinner, you remind them that no games are allowed. But they can read or play in their room if they’ve finished their homework and have a few minutes before bed. You stay firm even if your child protests, maintaining consistency in the rules.
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Practice positive reinforcement
This is both a mindset and a tool. A positive reinforcement mindset starts with the core belief that your child is a good person who, especially as they grow, will sometimes make mistakes they learn from. The tool is guiding your child towards positive behavior using praise (“You did a great job getting to school on time!” ), redirection (“Balls are for outside, not inside”), and problem-solving teamwork (“How do you think you should apologize to your friend?”).
Positive reinforcement means recognizing and rewarding positive actions instead of punishing unfavorable ones. (It is also known as catching them when they’re good.) Positive reinforcement can be done in various ways, such as through praise, extra privileges, or an unexpected reward. It encourages your child to realize the value of taking positive action.
What this looks like in practice
Your 5-year-old helps clear the table without being asked, so you point it out, saying, “Thank you for helping with the dishes! It鈥檚 great to see you being so helpful.” You also tack on an extra 15 minutes of story time that night, letting your child know that their help provided you with some extra time you can spend with them.
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Use logical consequences
Logical consequences are not punitive. Instead, they are outcomes that naturally and reasonably follow from an action or decision, showing your child cause-and-effect. Allowing your child to experience logical positive or negative consequences teaches them responsibility and the impact of their actions.
What it looks like in practice
Your child forgets to put their bike away after playing. It rains overnight, so the bike is wet from being left outside the next day. You explain calmly, without yelling or shaming them, that since they didn’t put the bike away, they will have to dry and clean it. This demonstrates the logical consequence of not following through on their responsibilities.
- >Problem-solve together
asks you and your child to work together to solve challenges that inevitably arise. This means discussing the problem with your child, listening to their input, and developing a reasonable resolution. It teaches critical thinking and negotiation skills and shows that your child鈥檚 opinions are valued.
What this look like in practice
Your teens are arguing over which show to watch on the living room TV. Instead of telling them to stop arguing or deciding which one they watch, you sit down and ask them to find a solution together. They decide to take turns choosing the show. This approach resolves the conflict and teaches them how to negotiate and respect each other’s preferences.
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Be consistent
Being a consistent parent is critical to successfully implementing positive discipline. It means being reliable and steady in your parenting approach, ensuring your child understands what is expected of them and what they can expect from you.
5 ways to promote consistency in your parenting
- Apply rules and consequences the same way every time.
You may need to be flexible, but being dependable in enforcing rules teaches your child that rules are not arbitrary and that you hold them accountable for their actions. - Have a predictable daily routine.
Knowing what to expect each day can help your child feel more in control, secure, and confident. - Manage your reactions and emotions.
As much as possible, respond to your child calmly without yelling or saying unkind things you may later regret. While this can be challenging for a stressed parent, use whatever techniques you can to avoid losing your cool. Suppose you feel the urge to have an adult-sized temper tantrum. Practice using techniques like counting to ten before speaking or leaving the room briefly to settle down. And if you lose your cool (as every parent does now and then), behavioral experts agree that circling back later to apologize to your child is vital in modeling how to take responsibility for bad behavior and repair hurt feelings. - Model the behavior you want to see.
Children learn through observation. Model the behaviors you want to see in your child, such as respect, kindness, and patience. - Use open and effective communication.
Actively listening to your child, validating their feelings, and having open discussions help build trust and guides children toward positive actions.
Recommended resources and books on positive discipline
By Jane Nelsen, PhD (Three Rivers Press, 2000)
Nelsen, a psychologist, author of 20 other books, and mother of seven is a leader in the positive discipline and positive parenting movement. She wrote this classic parenting book 25 years ago and has written dozens of other books and workbooks, including , , , and .
Nelsen also offers online learning videos and has created a series of positive discipline apps, including the .
By Daniel J. Siegel, PhD. and Tina Payne Bryson (Bantam, 2016)
Siegel and Payne Bryson, both respected psychologists who focus on parenting, offer the true meaning of discipline and ways to teach your child, redirect emotions, and turn a meltdown into an opportunity for growth.
Siegel also has a podcast called .
By Joanna Faber and Julie King (Scribner, 2017)
Faber and King, who specialize in education and parenting, use storytelling, cartoons, and observations from their work with parents to provide concrete tools and tips for building better relationships with the little ones in your home.
By Pat Sasso and Steve Sasso (Sorin Books, 2006)
By parenting with 鈥淭.L.C.鈥� — which, according to Pat and Steve Sasso, stands for 鈥淭ime, Limits, and Caring鈥� — you can have a strong, positive, and caring relationship with your child.
