樱桃视频

Vi Donahue* heard herself yelling. Again. It wasn鈥檛 only the words but her angry tone. In the heat of the moment, she forgot everything — why she was yelling, what she was so frustrated about — and felt shame and fatigue at the sound of her raised voice.

This isn’t what Vi had imagined when she’d dreamed of having children. She wanted to be a different kind of parent from her parents, one who was close to her children. But to do that, she realized she needed to think about parenting and discipline entirely differently.

A mother of two, ages 5 and 8, Vi had fallen into regularly relying on time-outs, taking away privileges, and, yes, yelling to try to manage her children’s challenging behavior. Even with all these traditional disciplinary measures, none of these approaches worked for her or her children. They only left everyone unhappy, with the children often in tears and Vi feeling ineffective and bad for lashing out. Most of all, she worried that these frequent fraught moments would negatively impact her relationship with her children.

Growing up, Vi remembers feeling scared of getting in trouble. She didn鈥檛 want to perpetuate that cycle. Then, Vi saw an that asked: 鈥淒o any of these feel familiar? You were raised to stifle your emotions. So now you struggle to express or manage your feelings. Or… You were raised with a fear of wrongdoing, afraid to make mistakes. So now you take fewer risks and have trouble taking accountability or accepting failure鈥︹�� The post hit home. It made her think about using her childhood experience to reframe how she parents her own children. This sent her down the path of practicing positive parenting and positive discipline to reframe how she approaches almost all of her interactions with her children.

Positive discipline and positive parenting

Positive discipline and positive parenting are child-raising philosophies that use positive techniques instead of punishing children. Rooted in the work of psychologists Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, who, in the 1920s, introduced a form of parenting education that taught that children should be treated with respect without pampering or spoiling them. In the 1980s, Jane Nelsen, PhD, and Lynn Lott expanded on Alder and Dreikurs’ theories to develop positive parenting and discipline as practiced today. (Get more information on .)

By valuing connection and communication rather than control and compliance, positive discipline and positive parenting also focus on raising happy, well-adjusted children and advocates using empathy as a parent’s number one tool. Both share a focus on positive, non-punitive methods to guide children.

There are minor distinctions between positive discipline and positive parenting. Positive discipline focuses more on teaching a child how to behave. Positive parenting encompasses many parenting philosophies to raise happy, well-adjusted kids.

Positive discipline: correction through kindness, with a straightforward but firm hand

Positive discipline falls within the positive parenting umbrella and focuses on guiding a child’s behavior. Offering a wide range of tools for parents and other caregivers, positive discipline is rooted in taking a gentle but firm approach that is neither punitive nor permissive.

Instead, practitioners believe children aren’t “bad,” but instead need and want to be guided to behave correctly. It focuses on teaching positive behavior through encouragement and mutual respect rather than punishment. Using empathy, clear expectations, collaborative problem-solving, and natural consequences.

鈥淭he trick is to acknowledge the problem behavior or situation while maintaining a nurturing and respectful relationship,” Janis Whitlock, Ph.D., a psychologist and senior advisor at , explained via email.

Positive parenting: embracing a new way to raise children through empathy and respect

Positive parenting focuses less on specific discipline techniques and more on the family and greater culture and relationships. It’s about building trust and respect, not just enforcing rules. Positive parenting is also about learning to understand children鈥檚 feelings and behaviors instead of reacting to them — and in turn, teaching a child to consider others’ feelings.

Positive parenting encompasses a wide range of interactions and parts of children’s lives, with the goal of raising them with emotional intelligence. This endows them with valuable life skills like self-esteem, problem-solving, autonomy, and a secure sense of belonging. Also known as “conscious parenting,” positive parenting is authoritative (not authoritarian) and creates a family culture of mutual respect and empathy.

All of this resonated with Vi. She wanted to find a way to build a closer bond with her children. She didn’t want daily disharmony. She wanted them to feel comfortable coming to her with problems instead of shying away because they thought they鈥檇 get in trouble. She set out to do this by embracing the principles of positive parenting.

The guiding principles of positive parenting

Vi found this through a positive parenting educational program called , which has more than 35 years of research to support it. The program like Vi to create a safe, engaging environment that fosters learning, emphasizes realistic expectations, and, importantly, recognizes the importance of parental self-care.

To build strong, loving relationships that support a child’s well-being and emotional health, Vi learned this means , , collaborative problem-solving, understanding the reasons behind a child鈥檚 behavior, and addressing their underlying needs or emotions. Vi learned she needed to stop assuming she knew the 鈥渨hy鈥� behind her children鈥檚 reactions. Instead of saying, 鈥淚 know you don鈥檛 want to go to bed, but you have to!鈥� she began to ask, 鈥淚 can see you鈥檙e upset. What鈥檚 going on?鈥� and then really listening to the answers.

In her book , Rebecca Eanes outlines five principles for positive parenting: attachment, respect, proactive parenting, empathetic leadership, and positive discipline.

Principle #1: Foster a close parent-child bond

Regarding parenting, attachment refers to the bond between children and their primary caregivers. The type of bond children and parents develop very early on helps shape how children interact and build relationships throughout their lives. It strengthens or hinders children鈥檚 ability to focus, be aware of, and manage their feelings. Being able to attach securely also impacts their resilience.

Children鈥檚 brains are hardwired to form these connections, starting with their families and reaching out to the broader world. This bonding process has a significant impact on their brain development.

The good news is that children feel safe and protected when they form a secure attachment. have shown that children who get this kind of solid, loving start often have fewer behavioral problems and get along with others more easily as they grow up. Creating a caring, supportive environment prepares your child for a happier, more well-adjusted future.

When your child feels safe with you, they not only have room to grow and learn appropriately, but you can also authentically guide them instead of forcing them to comply. Children listen to and accept boundaries much more readily when they trust and feel trusted.

Principle #2: Give respect, get respect

Respect is a tricky topic when it comes to children. As parents, we often expect our children to respect us, but we may have qualms about visibly showing respect to them. It鈥檚 not that we鈥檙e disrespectful. We sometimes worry that it gives children too much power or that we鈥檒l be seen as too permissive. But the truth, say positive discipline experts, is that children learn to show respect by receiving it.

Children thrive when they’re treated thoughtfully and with courtesy. A 2023 research paper titled 鈥溾�� states that respectful treatment helps promote better brain growth in the hippocampus, which is essential for memory, learning, and handling stress.

When you use positive parenting, you show your child respect by affirming instead of shaming or being punitive. You also show them respect when you allow them to explore and develop at their own pace, learn from their mistakes, and accept them for who they are.

It鈥檚 important to remember that you can accept your child鈥檚 personality but not their questionable or risky behavior. The key to respect is separating who your child is from what your child does.

Principle #3: Respond instead of react

Proactive parents try to control their emotions to avoid reacting and instead respond thoughtfully when a problem with their child arises.

Many parents wait until a problem arises before teaching their children the boundaries and skills needed to deal with a challenge, but that moment isn鈥檛 when your child can learn new skills. And, as Vi discovered, it鈥檚 not often a time when you鈥檙e calm enough to teach them.

Proactive parenting means putting in the time to teach skills to handle situations before they arise. For instance, if your child tends to be quick to anger, you might teach them to recognize what anger feels like in their body and give them , like or the using the , to use when their body starts feeling that way.

Proactive parenting also means responding to your child鈥檚 behavior rather than reacting. A reaction usually occurs when your child does something that may trigger negative feelings, and you act quickly in frustration or anger by saying or doing something that might scare or intimidate your child — and that you might even later regret. A response happens less immediately and more thoughtfully. If your child misbehaves, ideally, you pause to acknowledge and sort through your feelings. Then, you decide how you will react to your child in a way that will, ideally, guide them to do better.

Also, even with the best intentions, sometimes parents react negatively. In these cases, optimistic discipline experts stress the importance of going back later to your child when everyone has calmed down and acknowledging that you didn’t react the way you wish you had. Apologizing with sincerity models to a child that we all make mistakes — that what’s important is trying to do better next time.

Principle #4: Lead with empathy

Positive parenting isn’t about being overly permissive or passive and letting your child do whatever they want. It鈥檚 about being a strong and capable leader for your child. Instead of standing back to watch them navigate, you steer them through both calm and choppy waters by gently showing them the way.

Being empathetic as a parent is not just about understanding your child鈥檚 needs — it’s about trying to understand their perspective, setting aside judgment, and helping them feel heard and valued. But even while you鈥檙e being understanding, you鈥檙e still reinforcing boundaries that have been set and communicated. This keeps the ship on course and keeps your child safe.

Leading with empathy requires guiding with a gentle hand while also standing firm. But doing so helps your child feel loved, respected, and secure.

Principle #5: Practice positive discipline

As previously noted, by going beyond punishment and toward collaborative problem-solving, positive discipline focuses on rewarding good behavior instead of just punishing the bad. The approach has several key benefits that make it a natural principle of positive parenting.

Positive discipline can:

• Make your child feel connected and part of something bigger — namely, their family and community.
• Balance kindness with firmness so your child feels respected and understands how to behave toward others.
• Work both in the short and long run, helping your child develop an emotional skill set that helps them understand how their actions impact themselves and others.
• Teach essential skills like acting respectfully, caring for others, solving problems, working cooperatively, and helping at home and school.
• Help your child see how capable and independent they can be.

Psychologist Janis Whitlock says that among positive discipline’s untold benefits, most important is that this approach “simultaneously enforces important family boundaries and expectations without breaking the connection between parent and child.鈥�

5 positive parenting strategies that build cooperation and respect

When you embrace positive parenting, building cooperation and respect takes intentional work. Here are a few strategies to incorporate into your interactions with your child.

1. Employ active listening

   Active listening involves fully focusing on, responding to, and remembering what someone else is saying. To fully understand what they’re saying, you must not just hear their words but also pay attention to their tone of voice, body language, and emotions to grasp their message and perspective.

   Consider this scenario: Your child is upset they aren’t able to play with a friend. Instead of dismissing their feelings with a quick “You’ll see them another time,” you practice active listening by sitting with them and giving them your full attention. Kneel or sit down at your child’s level, make eye contact, and say, “I can see you’re upset about not being able to see Jamie today. Tell me more about what you’re feeling.”

   Inviting your child to share more and showing genuine interest in their emotions demonstrates empathy and makes them feel truly heard and understood.

2. Praise effort, not just success

   . Praising your child鈥檚 efforts rather than just the outcome is more empowering and informative for your child. Effort-based praise helps your child see what they can control and how they achieve success, which is just as important as succeeding.

   For instance, if your child is struggling to tie their shoes, praise the effort instead of focusing only on the result by saying, “I see how hard you’re trying to tie your shoes. It’s great to see you working so patiently!” This encourages a growth mindset, valuing effort and persistence.

3. Offer choices

   When your child responds with resistance, give them a couple of choices. For your younger child, that might sound like asking, “Would you like to wear the red shirt or the blue one today?” For your older child, this might sound like, “Do you want to do your homework right after school so you have the evening free, or take a break first and start homework after dinner?” This approach of offering choices instead of issuing commands respects your child鈥檚 opinion, builds autonomy, and encourages cooperative problem-solving.

4. Set clear boundaries with explanations

   Clearly define acceptable behaviors and limits while explaining the 鈥渨hy鈥� behind the rule. This establishes guidelines for conduct and helps your child understand the rationale behind them, fostering respect and cooperation. For instance, you might tell your preschooler, 鈥淲e don’t draw on the walls because it can damage them, and we want to keep our home nice and clean. So, you need to use paper instead.”

5. Model and encourage empathy

   Modeling and encouraging empathy requires some self-reflection. Your child is watching you. They learn by example when you respond with compassion and responsiveness to others. For example, if you see someone upset, you can express your concern in front of your child by saying, “That person seems sad to me. I wonder if they had a tough day.” Then, discuss ways to show compassion, such as smiling or offering help.

   Don鈥檛 be discouraged if you can鈥檛 implement all these strategies at once. It will take time for you and your child to adjust to new ways to interact. Positive parenting is an ongoing practice that, when done more and more over time, begins to feel more natural and builds on itself.

Real-life positive parenting success stories

Since learning about positive parenting, Vi has approached discipline differently with her children. Instead of scrolling through her phone when her 8-year-old talks about his day, Vi puts down her phone and practices active listening.

Learning that children (and all people) can take in information better when they aren’t admonished or shamed, Vi began emphasizing the importance of clearer communication by expressing her concerns or feelings using ‘I’ statements. For instance, Vi didn’t react angrily when her youngest recently ran into the grocery store’s parking lot without looking after running to pull him back to safety. Instead, she said, “I was scared when you ran into the busy parking lot because I want you to stay safe. Next time, please stay with me since there are so many cars in the parking lot.” They were then able to go into the store together without either of them being upset or angry.

Vi also incorporates choice in a way that makes life easier for her — by asking her children to help her decide what to make for dinner. When they do, they are more likely to eat what she cooks. When they don’t offer their opinion about dinner, Vi doesn’t feel as resentful when nobody wants to eat what she cooks and reminds them they could weigh in but choose not to. She feels confident this is teaching them the value of providing input when asked.

Parents Edie and Marcus Phillips* also found that positive parenting solved their daily challenges. They were tired of the never-ending nagging and imposing restrictions on their 16-year-old, Miriam, and their 14-year-old, Ryan. Constant battles about screen time, homework, and curfews led to more resistance and frustration.

After Edie attended a free positive parenting webinar with , they agreed to shift their approach. They started by addressing communication and active listening.

Instead of dismissing Miriam’s grievances about her social life as typical teenage drama, they began asking open-ended questions and showing genuine interest. They were pleasantly surprised that Miriam started talking about her stresses and insecurities.

With Ryan, the focus was on fostering autonomy. They allowed him to set his own hours and take a part-time job, with the understanding that his grades needed to remain steady.

Edie and Marcus also consciously committed to model empathy by discussing their challenges and feelings. Although initially uncomfortable, it created an environment that encouraged more vulnerability and honest conversations.

Several months into practicing positive parenting, Edie and Marcus noticed the interactions with their children were more peaceful. They had fewer power struggles, and Edie and Marcus felt a deeper connection with their teens and each other.

That wouldn鈥檛 be surprising to Janis Whitlock. In its best form, says Whitlock, positive discipline or positive parenting allows children “to gain a sense of autonomy, build a deeper trust with their parents, and accept responsibility when they make a mistake.鈥�

*Last names have been changed to protect the privacy of their children.