It’s 7 a.m. on a Monday. So where are the kids? Not where they’re supposed to be, which is at the table finishing breakfast before leaving for school. You’ve repeatedly yelled upstairs to come on down, “Or we’ll be late again.” As usual, this morning exercise in frustration does nothing to get your kids moving.
Your 6-year-old, Ben, refuses to get out of bed. Your 9-year-old fashionista, Mia, insists she can’t go to school if she can’t wear her purple star leggings that have gone missing, and high school sophomore Xander is scrolling through his phone, ignoring your pleas to pack up his backpack so he can get out the door before he misses the bus.
Scenes like this — parents talking and kids not listening — play out regularly in households nationwide. It鈥檚 the front lines of parenting, where there are nonstop negotiations, and every day is a fresh challenge when it comes to a parent’s attempt to manage their children’s unpredictable, if not temperamental, behavior.
While behavior management might sound like a buzzword for the workplace, positive discipline experts say it’s key to effective positive parenting. Behavior management isn鈥檛 about micromanaging or controlling your child. It’s about equipping them with the skills to self-regulate without constant reminders, scolding, and even shouting from frustrated parents and teachers. Children can learn from their experiences and understand the value of responsibility. The secret, say childhood behavior management experts, is striking a balance between providing structure and fostering independence.
The importance of setting expectations in positive discipline
The value of setting clear, achievable expectations can’t be overstated. The benefits are for more than just less-stressed parents. Children also do better. consistently shows that children thrive when adults communicate their expectations. If the child doesn’t meet those expectations, ideally, the consequences aren’t punitive, but instead, they are learning opportunities for children to see how they can do better next time.
When you make clear what you hope to see in your children — behaviorally, academically, or socially — you’re not just laying down rules. You鈥檙e building the skills they need to navigate daily life. Explicitly discussing your expectations and the challenges your child might face in meeting them can help reduce their anxiety and make their environment more predictable.
Let’s go back to that chaotic Monday morning. Trying to solve so many parenting challenges with three children — with family members needing to get to work and school on time — can easily lead to tears, arguments, and yelling. But imagine that instead, you took time over the weekend to map out on a whiteboard what each person is expected to achieve in the morning. For 6-year-old Ben, it鈥檚 setting a non-negotiable time to get out of bed and following a morning routine — documented on a handy checklist with visuals — when the alarm goes off. For 9-year-old Mia, it鈥檚 coming to an agreement that she will choose and put out her school clothes the night before. For teenage Xander, this means arriving at an agreement about his morning routine that ensures he packs his backpack and is ready to go before checking his phone in the morning.
Talking with each one about their morning routine and agreeing on expectations does more than just streamline the morning chaos. It instills a sense of shared responsibility and agency. Each child knows what is expected of them. The expectations aren鈥檛 arbitrary. Instead, each child has a hand in creating them. The expectations are also attainable and adaptable, so they can be revisited depending on changes in a child’s needs or routine.
With clear, mutually agreed-upon expectations in place, the door is open for positive reinforcement (e.g., praising Ben for following his list or giving Xander extra screen time later in the day for skipping his phone time in the morning to catch the bus on time) or logical consequences (e.g., telling Mia she鈥檒l need to wear what鈥檚 clean and available since she didn鈥檛 lay out her clothes the night before). Both positive reinforcement and logical consequences are cornerstones of behavior management using positive discipline.
Setting expectations in parenting is no different from setting them in other relationships — it鈥檚 about mutual respect and communication.
When you have an open conversation about how you expect your child to act, you鈥檙e not just telling them how to behave, you鈥檙e acknowledging that you also need to understand what鈥檚 behind what you鈥檙e seeing and what skills or tools your child needs to meet the expectations you鈥檝e set together.
Setting up behavior plans
“Behavior plan鈥� may make you think of a token economy system in which your child earns a sticker or points for demonstrating desirable behaviors. In the world of behavior management, these types of plans are common for preschoolers and young neurodivergent children, such as those who have ADHD or Autism spectrum disorder.
beneficial in providing children with a visual connection between their actions and positive outcomes. They can also simplify complex behaviors into achievable steps, fostering a sense of accomplishment and self-efficacy. that token economy systems can build a sense of accomplishment and self-efficacy over time, leading to your child achieving the goal for the joy of it rather than for an external reward.
However, that reward charts can do more damage than good in the long run for older and neurotypical children because they rely on extrinsic rather than . In other words, your child鈥檚 desire to succeed is driven by the outside reward instead of having an internal reason to achieve.
Nurturing your child’s intrinsic motivation is all about fostering their natural curiosity, a sense of personal achievement, and self-awareness. When you involve them in creating rules or solutions for behavioral challenges and celebrate not only successes but also efforts, you empower your child and reinforce their internal drive to learn and grow.
Use positive language that emphasizes your child’s control and decision-making. For example: “I saw how hard you tried to calm down when you were upset. I鈥檓 proud of you for making that effort.” Encourage them to set personal goals and recognize their progress toward them as you plan ways to support positive behavior change.
Behavior management strategies for parents
You can use several strategies to empower your child and make daily life easier for everyone. These behavior management strategies give children the tools to understand their behavior and emotions and take positive steps. They foster a sense of independence and self-esteem, which is critical for healthy development. Here are four behavior management strategies to try with children of varying ages.
4 behavior management strategies to try
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Create a first / then visual schedule
With a first / then schedule (also known as when / then schedule), your child can see that when they first do a less-preferred activity, they can move on to the activity they鈥檇 rather be doing. For example, 4-year-old Lauren loves reading with you but resists putting her toys away. The first picture would show her toys where they belong, and the second picture of her favorite book. You can say out loud, “First, you put your toys away, then we can read your favorite book together.” Or, consider your 6-year-old who has recently decided she doesn’t want to wear her coat. The first picture would be of her putting her jacket on, and the second would be her playing outside. The verbal statement is, “First, you put on your coat, then you can go outside and play.”
Why first / then visual schedules work
Visual cues reduce anxiety by showing children what’s coming next. supports this method by showing that giving children choices proactively supports the development of positive behavioral outcomes.
How to make a first / then visual schedule
• Use photos, pictures from magazines, or a simple drawing to show the first activity and the then reward. For a child who is reading, words can be just as effective.
• Place the first / then chart in a consistent, easily accessible location.
• Be sure to follow through with the then activity consistently once the first task is completed.
• Provide positive feedback immediately after the first task is completed.()
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Designate a calm-down corner
A calm-down corner is a space where your child — or you — can go to manage feelings and regain control. This is not a time-out spot for punishment but a positive place for calm self-regulation for anyone who needs it.
Why calm-down corners work
Creating a space dedicated to self-regulation helps your child learn to identify and manage their emotions. This technique is supported by research on social and emotional intelligence and self-regulation strategies.
How to create a calm-down corner
• Set up a comfortable space with items promoting calm, such as cushions, a blanket, favorite books, stuffies, or stress balls. You can also add a feeling wheel or chart to the space to support your child in naming how they feel.
• Teach calm-down techniques, such as deep breathing exercises or mindfulness activities your child can use in the calm-down corner.
• Model how to use the calm-down corner by saying, for example, “I’m feeling a little upset. I’m going to take a moment in the calm-down corner.”
• Praise your child for managing their emotions when they use the space. -
Practice collaborative problem-solving
Also known as , this strategy, developed by Ross Greene, Ph.D., involves working with your child to devise solutions to life’s challenges. The method fosters communication and mutual respect, which are especially important during the teenage years when autonomy becomes a central issue.
Why collaborative problem-solving works
This strategy is rooted in the that older children are more likely to engage in positive behaviors when they have a role in creating the solution. It respects their growing need for independence and self-direction.
How to do collaborative problem-solving
• Initiate a conversation about behavioral concerns when you and your child are calm.
Example: “I didn’t like it when you yelled at me after I told you to stop playing video games.”
• Listen actively to your child’s perspective — without interrupting.
Example: “Daddy, I grabbed John’s ball because he grabbed it from me when I was playing with it.”
• Define the problem together by stating it from both sides and acknowledging your child鈥檚 needs and your own.
Example: “I want you to come to dinner when I call you so we eat together as a family. I hear you want to keep playing video games until you finish a level.”
• Brainstorm solutions together. This collaboration increases the likelihood your child will follow through.
Example: “Let’s talk about ideas we both have so we can eat dinner as a family while the meal is hot, but you can stop playing video games at a good spot without getting angry or ignoring me.”
• Set a time to check how the solution works and be open to making adjustments as needed.
Example: “Let’s talk again on Saturday at 5:00 p.m. to see if our plan works for both of us.” -
Chart a path toward increasing independence
Children want to be independent but need support learning the behaviors that will make them more self-sufficient. A path toward increased independence does that while providing a written or visual tracker of their progress. Talk about freedoms your child wants to earn, and find small steps along the way that your child can achieve as they build skills and experience. While charting a path toward increased independence is primarily for older kids, they can also be used for younger children: it鈥檚 all about breaking the goals down into small, safe, developmentally appropriate steps.
Why paths to independence work
This method helps children see the connection between responsible behavior and increased freedom. It’s an evidence-based approach that aligns with showing that a successful transition to adulthood involves slowly increasing responsibilities. (The nonprofit offers excellent resources on fostering independence in your child and provides a free downloadable .)
How to chart a path toward increasing independence
• Identify specific behaviors or tasks that will increase your child鈥檚 independence. For younger kids, this could mean putting their clothes in the hamper and making their bed. For older kids, this could mean doing their laundry, making their own breakfast and cleaning up afterward, peacefully resolving conflicts with younger siblings, cleaning the bathroom, or managing homework time independently.
• Write down big goals and the smaller steps along the way. This can be either as a checklist where you can note the dates of accomplishments or a more visual table or chart.
• Offer increased privileges as rewards for consistently demonstrating responsible behavior. For younger kids, this could mean a fun outing for keeping their room clean. For teens, this could be a later curfew.
• Reflect on growth by regularly reviewing the chart with your child to discuss their progress and identify new areas for development.
Basic behavior contracts
Behavior contracts are practical agreements that you co-create with your child. They outline the specific behaviors your child needs to work on (e.g. picking up clothes off their bedroom floor), goals around the skills your child needs to learn (e.g. having a clean floor for a week) — and how you鈥檒l teach those skills (e.g. cleaning up together for the first few days) — and any rewards or consequences you and your child agree on as those goals are met (e.g. an extra movie night during the weekend or, if it isn’t done, less screen time the following week).
You can explore a at Understood.org.
Creating behavior contracts is about knowing what your child struggles with and why, what鈥檚 important to them, and what goals are just the right challenge for them. For Ben, whose love for sleeping in is stronger than his dedication to getting up for school in the morning, you know something must change. So, together, you can sit down and talk about why he doesn’t want to get up and what could make him more excited to get up. Then, decide together what seems fair.
The contract should have a specific goal: Ben is dressed and downstairs by 7 am. His responsibility is to do all the steps of his morning routine promptly, and you are responsible for providing him with support in understanding the steps of the routine. Together, you could create a checklist taped on his bedroom door to remind him what he needs to take care of to make his morning run smoothly without rushing or having a parent nag or yell. This also gives Ben more self鈥揳gency since, once his to-do’s are done, he can decide on what he鈥檇 like to do with any extra time he has in the morning. The consequence of not being ready in time? No free time in the morning.
The contract isn鈥檛 punitive or controlling. You鈥檙e fostering Ben鈥檚 independence, and he has clear guidelines for managing his responsibilities and leisure time. In a practical application like this, your child learns that their actions have direct consequences, both positive and negative. It’s a safe space to learn about cause and effect.
Implementing and monitoring behavior management strategies
Implementation is about action: putting those behavior contracts and strategies into practice, consistently following through, and celebrating big and small successes.
However, the test involves looking for changes in your child’s behavior. This means observing your child, stepping in when frustration mounts, offering guidance when your child seems unsure of how to move forward, and praising your child for achieving all or part of their goals — and especially the effort they put into it.
Monitoring behavior management strategies requires learning when to offer a nudge toward fulfilling the behavior contract and when to stand back and let your child find their way. This parental dance of stepping up and stepping in requires active engagement, asking questions, and offering encouragement. Sometimes, the plan may need tweaking. If something isn鈥檛 working, pivot. The expectations or strategy may need to be adjusted.
Monitoring isn鈥檛 just for your child. It鈥檚 for you, too. Are you modeling the behavior and consistency you鈥檙e asking for? Do you acknowledge your own mistakes? Your child is watching and learning, and it鈥檚 important to uphold your end of any agreement you鈥檝e made.
Real-life parenting success stories of behavior management
Remember, you鈥檙e not alone on the front lines of parenting. Here鈥檚 how two other parents who, through trial and error, have found a method that works well for their family.
Emily is 15 years old. She wants more independence, but she needs help with time management. Transitioning into adolescence is hard enough, but when she lashes out — screaming and slamming doors — over the stress of missed assignments, the low grades that follow affect the whole family. In this case, the use of charting a path to increased independence was highly impactful. Emily鈥檚 parents worked with her to create a list focused on building her organizational skills.
Each step — writing down assignments, breaking them into parts, completing them ahead of the due date, and turning them in — was on Emily’s checklist. She tracked her progress by checking off each step as she did it, and her parents praised her progress and gave her the agreed-upon reward of extra free time with her friends at the mall. Emily鈥檚 grades improved, as did her self-confidence — and displays of anger and frustration were reduced.
Consider, too, how 12-year-old Max鈥檚 family successfully used a behavior contract when he was struggling with screen time limits. The contract, developed together, clearly outlined when screen time was available and the tasks he was expected to do — without arguing or complaining — before screen use, like homework and household chores. For each weekday Max met his goal, he earned that day鈥檚 screen time plus an additional 12 minutes of weekend screen time.
This approach with a behavior contract immediately reduced arguments. Over several weeks, Max’s adherence to the behavior contract improved. After an entire month, he earned an hour of extra time two weekends in a row, demonstrating the contract’s effectiveness in fostering self-discipline, time management, and balance in the tween’s daily routine.
These stories are the heartbeats of behavior management strategies, the proof that real change is possible with persistence and the right tools. There鈥檚 no one-size-fits-all solution, but with patience and perseverance, you can equip your child with the skills to manage their behavior so they no longer need the plan. While it seems like a lot of work up front, proponents say it’s well worth the effort in the long run, with a family that works together more effectively and experiences less conflict.
